Babbling Brooke Runs Dry

The results are in, America. Is your favorite out?

KLC is in the house. (Methinks she came to try and swipe one of The Diamond's sparkly shirts.)

Ryan is still out of breath...from all the damage control he had to do over Paula-Gate 2008.

Time for an especially crappy group medley of Neil Diamond songs. There were parts of this where I felt like I was watching some horrible talent competition. (Oh wait...) Jason kicks things off with "Cracklin' Rosie" and his voice is a-cracklin' alright. The others sit and sway on the couches like they're fighting traitorous waters on a sinking ship, further inspiring seasickness in those at home. Due to a tricky camera maneuver, I actually thought Archie's too-low register was coming out of Brooke the Tranny for a sec (scary!). Girls do a seat-changing twirl on the couches before getting up to flank Archie with some awkward go-go dancer moves. DC sings, and the hoi polloi doesn't seem to notice that something is wrong with his voice. (Nurse SB prescribes some vocal rest, stat. I'll even cut down our late night phone convos for the cause. Don't need him getting Daughtry-ed next week.) They segue into "Song Sung Blue" and do the infamous Idol side-step while reading the words off the monitor. And finally, the misery ends with a lil "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" preaching. Hallelujah...it's over.

After the break, Ryan spends an unsettlingly brief amount of time addressing Pauler's gaffe, and still no one apologizes to Jason.

We get a 2 1/2 minute recap of the performances, and The Diamond calls the contestants "tops."

Contestants are huddled backstage awaiting their fate, and J-Cast is called out first and sent to safety. While many of my fellow posters seem to think this was the least they could do, it totally killed any suspense over who was going home. I also think it might have been a strategic maneuver on the production's part to give the Dreadheads a false sense of security in order to push Syesha into the top three.

Archie is safe. Judging by her outfit, Mama A is ready to celebrate with some serious salsa dancing after the show. (Either that, or she wants to audition to be one of The Diamond's back up singers). Seriously, could Archie's parents BE any more oddly matched?

Ryan announces that next week's theme is songs that helped shape and inspire rock 'n roll according to the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Before you get too excited, I checked the list, and it really isn't as good as it sounds.

We get an extended SYTYCD preview. Question: Is this just footage from previous seasons, or is Sex really back for more?

Time to announce the winner of the Coca-Cola Cup-Designing Contest. OMG! That's almost as exciting as the notoriously bad American Songwriter Contest. Congratulations guy who won, your parents must be so proud!

More results. Cookie survives The Curse of Going Second on Top Five Week, and it looks like his mom borrowed some of his black nailpolish. (Oh crap, my future MIL is edgier than I am.)

Brooke & Syesha are called center stage. Notice that they are never officially declared the bottom two. Because there's still a good half hour to kill, they are temporarily sent to the couches. Brooke says, "We'll stay as long as we can." Aw!

Natasha Bedingfield performs "Pocket Full of Sunshine" in a horrible Brooke-esque outfit. I like Natasha, but the whole thing pretty much blows. She then gets cuddly with Archie on the couches. Creepy.

Oh God, we still have the "live" call-in segment to get through, and this time the contestants get no love, as all of the questions are directed to the judges table:

-10-year old Michael from Landcaster wants to know why Paula always gives everyone a break. It's because she's the Anti-Simon, Mikey. Everyone's got a role in this thing.

-Miranda from Louisiana wants to know if Paula plans to do another wind-blowing music video with Randy. Simon crosses his fingers, and Paula says she plans to keep on Dancing Like There's No Tomorrow.

-Tara Miller wants to know if Simon remembers their kiss in his garden when he was nine, or if locking lips with Paula has erased that memory. Simon remembers her, and asks if she still looks cute. Ryan wants to know if kissing Simon is really as good as his fantasies.

Hybrid Ford Video to the tune of "Catch the Wind" in which the Idols transform a run-down part of town into...a run-down part of town with some trees and less smog and trash. This might have been a good one for Earth Day last week, geniuses.

Neil Diamond forgoes a sparkly shirt with fringe in favor of a Johnny Cash Man in Black outfit instead. This disappoints me. He sings "Pretty Amazing Grace" and looks to have aged 15 years since he mentored the contestants on Saturday. I suddenly have a horrible vision of D-Cook as a wrinkly old man rocker.

After over 45 million votes, we say goodbye to Brooke who has to choke through tears to reprise "I Am, I Said." Oh boy. At least hubby can cut his hair now.

The Black Vest of Doom Strikes Again

It's Wednesday, which means Ryan is dressed in his undertaker's suit in memoriam of the soon-to-be axed contestant.

This. Is. American. Idol. Wave to the judges! (Paula looks especially good tonight.)

This week's group song has Andrew Lloyd Webber behind the piano as the top 6 perform "All I Ask of You." It is not particularly memorable, as there are no chest bumps, butt bumps, rockstar kicks or Idol side-stepping.

This summer's Idols Live! Tour will kick off in Glendale, AZ, home of our current Idol Jordin Sparks, and finish in Tulsa, OK the current residence of our next American Idol David Cook. (Coincidence? I think not.)

Roll recap footage from the previous night's performances.

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is then asked to join Ryan in the uncomfortable chat chairs which also moonlight as the b3/b2 stools of doom, which I find amusing. ALW is such a unique and strange-looking individual that it is quite awkward to watch him for say, more than a second. (My co-worker asked me if he was special or just eccentric. I wasn't quite sure of the answer. Mad genius?) He is asked about Brooke's re-start, Jason's off-the-wall song choice and what he'd call a love song written for Simon and Pauler.

Commercials, including this week's Ford Video which is set to the tune of "Tainted Love" as sung by the fabulous Danny Noriega (I wish). Archie plays a comic book artist whose superhero drawings of the other Idols come to life. Everyone has weird hair and Jason gets a chin tattoo that was literally inspired by Carly's husband Tom.

Fantasia postage stamps are on sale now with proceeds benefiting IGB.

Then the President and the First Lady thank us for helping raise over $65 million for IGB in a video clip.

Time for some results. "The David's" are called center-stage. Cook is asked why he didn't change the arrangement of "Music of the Night." The answer is: so as not to be predictable. Archuleta is not called out on forgetting the lyrics at any point, yet we hear about Brooke's blunder at least four times. The David's are safe, Simon is eating and Castro is yawning.

More commercials, then roll tape of previous Idols who have made it big on Broadway. Diana DiGarmo, Fantasia and LaKisha Jones (who's in the audience) have already had their time in the spotlight, but so we focus on two previous contestants who are currently making curtain calls: Tamyra Gray is starring as Mimi in RENT (I really have got to see this) and Clay Aiken is performing in Spamalot. Both are happy and well, and Clay's newest album drops May 6th.

Time for the performance I've been most looking forward to, as new pop sensation Leona Lewis takes the stage with the hit "Bleeding Love." My BFF, who is a DIEHARD Kelly Clarkson fan recently admitted that Leona's version of "Without You" blew Kelly's out of the water, which is just one example of how awesome this chick is. Leona has freakin' fire ignite on the stage which makes Miley's malfunctioning fog machines and Mariah's glittery mic stand look like toys in comparison. I have got to download this album.

We continue on in our Noah's Ark style elimination, as the contestants are summoned two-by-two. It's Syesha and Brooke's turn in the spotlight, Brooke proves that she's aware of her new nickname, and my theory that sympathy votes might save her is correct. She is safe, Syesha is in the b2.

Commercials, then the final two contestants learn their fate. Even though he had a rough night, Jason is safe and Carly (who gave her obnoxious T-shirt to a kid because it was too ugly to actually wear) joins Syesha in the b2.

Both are asked to sing, and Syesha proves that an outfit and some choreography CAN make a difference as--while the vocals are about the same--her reprisal of "One Rock 'n Roll Too Many" is nowhere near as captivating.

After over 38 million votes, it is Irish Eyes and her doomed black vest who is bid adieu. Roll tape of her journey, which includes at least three shots of her buddying up with Brooke. Forgive me, but at no point do I remember those two EVER acting chummy--they are about as different as night and day. Methinks it's an editing trick to try and sway some of Carly's votes Brooke's way, which is pretty ridiculous considering their differences and the fact most of the Fighting Irish have already pledged to vote for D-Cook since they are actual friends with similar musical styles. Carly takes it all in stride in what is one of the classiest exits ev-ah. Go Carly!

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

So we've had a full week to recover from the shocker that was MJ's brutal and untimely elimination, but I for one am still in mourning. Our Idol lineup seemed infinitely smaller and less purty this week, and is about to get even more so.

Intros all around, then this week's group song: "One Sweet Day." Jason kicks things off and though he sounds a little rough he looks smokin' hot. The torch is then passed to Kristy, who, like Jason, manages to make a white top and jeans look incredible. Then the rest join in and I can't help but notice that Screamecha (sporting a Nadia Turner-esque faux-hawk) sounds out of place, whereas Carly and Archie harmonize beautifully together.

Commercials, plug for the Songwriting Contest, then the recap package where I am a blur for a half-second.

And so begins our elimination process. We see the top 7 gathered backstage, allowing a moment of "humm...maybe they will be departing from typical top 7 elimination process of separating them into two groups and making the top vote-getter choose a side..." Nope, we get to play left, right, left, as each contestant is individually called to the stage.

First up, Castro. He's told to head stage left, which is near the couches of comfort (psychology, anyone?) Next is D-Cook, who's asked about the tears at the end of his performance. He holds strong to his decision not to use his sick brother for sympathy votes, and gives a vague generalized answer instead. David is then sent to the other side of the stage, near the Stools of Doom which can only mean one thing--someone will be trading places at one point, 'cuz there's no way in hell a boy is in the b-3 this week. Carly is called to the center of the stage and after much sexually suggestive banter with Ry and Si she is told to join Jason near but not on the couches. Then it's Kristy's turn, and for the sake of evening the sides she's told to join her namesake stage right, but not before she calls Simon a "butt." (I honestly didn't know whether to cheer or sneer, so I chneered.)

Commercials, including the one that matters: The Ford Video, set to the tune of "I Want to Break Free." The Idols are hooked up to cords Marionette-style as they toil away in a dreary office before nice shiny Fords come rescue them from their boredom. While the actual car part is cheesy, I loved the office concept and they way (most) of the contestants played their parts. D-Cook managed to look like both PeeWee Herman and Milton ("I believe you have my stapler?"), while Archie was every bit a creepy Munsters robot boy (in a good way). Kristy's acting has improved immensely since her stint as a white coat in an electric toothbrush commercial.

We're taking a break from the results for a live performance, so the contestants are assembled on the couches but Ryan reminds us that they've so far been separated into two groups, with Castro & Carly on one side and "The Cooks" on the other (notice that she cackles like a madwoman, while he just looks annoyed).

Elliott Yamin performs "Free" in his first time on stage since the loss of his mother Claudette. I personally felt that it was too soon and that his performance suffered because of it (his vocals were not nearly as good as usual) but he managed to keep a smile on his face and get through it, so for that I applaud him. He then pulled a He-Cook and revealed the message "We Miss You Mom" written on his hand whereupon I instantly burst into tears. (I swear I'm not usually this emotional, but lately this stuff is getting to me...) Bonus points to anyone who recognized Jose "Sway" Penala among the backup singers.

More sort-of results: Syesha goes left, Babbling Brooke (who sneaks in a vegetarian shout out, thanks for that) goes right.

Time to roll footage of the call-ins. First question is from Joan in Vegas. She wants to know if Kristy's been able to buy her horse back. Unfortunately, no, the bastard she sold it to is holding out for more money. Boo on him. Next is Jillian from Maine who, in honor of National Record Store Day (WTF?) asks what records the judges first bought. Randy: Led Zep, The Beatles, James Brown. Paula: Jackson 5, EW&F and Carole King. Simon: "I was 10 years old, and it was Pauler Abdul's Straight Up." Megan from NJ wants to give a bunch of shout outs before asking Pauler which of her songs describes her relationship with Simon. Let's see, Cold-Hearted Snake...too obvious. Opposites Attract, yep. And finally, Straight Up Simon, she will never be Forever Your Girl. Denise from Cincinnati wants Simon to explain the difference between a theme-park, karaoke, and piano bar performance. The answer: "In a nutshell, they're all horrible." And finally, our very own Mallory from the AI boards asks DC in her adorable country twang the question the Word Nerds have been debating for months: "Are you single?" He asks which camera to look into before declaring: "Yes! Yes! Yes!" and thus ending Lacey-gate 2008 (or at least putting it off, my women's intuition tells me she's still a threat and will soon be back in the audience to taunt us.)

Now on sale: Ruben postage stamps! You know you want more of the Velvet Teddy Bear...

Mariah takes the stage to perform her newest single, "Bye Bye" in an outfit that would not be out of place on Hollywood Blvd. Her mic has a weird echo and it sounds like she's singing over a track of herself doing backup at one point but she looks so f'n hot it doesn't really matter. Her mic stand is glitter-fied, she's got a sparkly press-on butterfly tattoo, and wind machines keep her hair a-blowin.' Then we get to hear how much she loves Randy, how great it was to work with the contestants and a plug for her new album.

Time for the final results. Archie is backstage all by his lonesome but is brought out and quickly declared safe. There are "too many Cook's in the kitchen" (foreshadowing, anyone?) so Ry asks He-Cook and Syesha to swap places. That's more like it. Archie is asked to join the group he thinks is safe, and cops a squat center-stage faster than you can say Mindy Doo. Ryan urges him to scoot closer to the couches, and declares Cookie, Carly and Castro safe. DC sits on the stage with Archie, Carly faces a sitting-in-a-dress-dilemma, and Castro wonders why everyone in his group is suddenly gearing up to play duck-duck-goose.

And so our b-3 consists of roomies Syesha, Kristy and Brooke. Our diva is sent to safety, leaving the two blonde best buddies to sweat it out. Simon calls it, Babbling Brooke opens her mouth again, and Kristy gets Sanjaya-ed. (They were both "Worsters" who left in 7th place after a fairly decent performance in comparison to the ones that came before it, then switched up the lyrics to their swan song.)

Roll Kristy's journey where we are again reminded of her poor horse (how soon before we see the headline "Man Sells Back Horse to Idol Finalist"? Two weeks?)

Kristy then serenades Simon with her fitting swan song: "These days of love are gone. Our time is through. Spent all my time waiting, for a good comment from you..."

Peace out Kristy. I hope you get your horse back.

Our dual-Cook problem has officially been solved. Now if only we could take care of the dual-David dilemma...

Time to Say Goodbye to Malubay

I apologize for the lateness of this recap -- I had to tape the show in order to go play mentor to a cast of struggling actors who are performing the same play I starred in five years ago. And unlike Dolly P, I didn't just smile and blow smoke. I actually think I may have offended some of them, but the truth hurts.

Onto your results...

Exactly 26 hours after I left the studio feeling faint, someone in the pit actually DID pass out. According to a source from People magazine, the young woman fainted when there was only 90 seconds til air and Carly, Ramiele and Kristy all rushed over. The audience member was taken care of and the contestants back in their seats in time for the broadcast.

Ryan opens the show, tells us a little of what's to come and intros the judges. Then the top 9 take the stage to perform "9 to 5" (what'd I tell ya?). This time they each get a solo part. Interestingly enough, those who end up in the bottom three are the first to sing. The videotape I have is old and warbly (yes I know it's time for TiVo) which makes them all sound awful. DC rubs butts with both MJ and Rami (what a man whore! *wink*) Archie is starting to look like a real boy (is that man cleavage I see in those tight jeans?) Carly climbs up on the judges table to sass Simon, while D-Cook sings to Pauler. It of course ends with big "ta-da!" hands.

Commercials (I do believe we got Coke-Ford-AT&T), then roll tape of performance footage. Again, the b-3 to come are all shown in a row, this time in the middle of the lot.

Begin results process. Same concept as the previous two weeks: Couches are comfy, stools are not, let's trot 'em out one by one to see how they rate. First up is MJ, who just may be the only person on the planet to make a Dolly Parton T-shirt look sexy. He's SAFE. So is Archie. Then comes Carly. Seacrest toys with her a little, saying she's no stranger to the b-3, then tells her she can join the boys on the couch.

Time for (insert sarcastic voice here) everyone's favorite Caller Questions segment! 13-year old Haley wants to know what Syesha misses most about home (didn't she already answer this previously?) The answer of course is the obvious "hanging out with friends and family." Robert, who is also 13, asks D-Cook if he could succeed at any talent what would it be? This question was already posed to the contestants in their weekly online Q&A but DC chooses to spice things up with a different answer this time: Although it's not quite a talent, he'd like to be more organized and less of a slob. Roomie Jason's reaction is priceless--he nods and says "YEAH!" Then Jay turns to Michael and they agree that as DC's roomies, they can attest to his slobiness, and David apologizes to them both. It's okay David, when we live together we'll hire a maid (or a team of them if necessary--I don't like to clean either). Next, 26-year old sleepingbeauty of Los Angeles wants to know why so many 13-year olds get to ask questions that have already been asked. Actually a guy named Bill who shares my age and city asks Randy who he'd like to work with. The Dawg diplomatically answers the winner of Idol this year, which could be a boy or a girl. A mystery caller known as "Line 9" due to the fact that they put line 8's info on the screen instead poses a question to Michael Johns or David Cook. Kristy jokingly lolls her head on Carly's shoulder and they laugh about being so unpopular with the callers. The mystery callers question is: "What song will you be singing on the tour?" The guys joke about "Islands in the Stream" with DC doing the Dolly part, but the official answer is that they aren't planning that far ahead. And lastly, 52-year old Mary of Saugus, CA (a city I lived in for 10 years as a matter of fact) wants to know why Simon feels it's necessary to apologize after every critique. Apparently she doesn't realize that his "sorry's" are sarcastic, and he vows never to say it again.

The Clark Brothers, winner's of the Next Great American Band are up next with "This Little Light of Mine," a song I can honestly say I never expected to see performed on Idol. It's a funky country version, they jam on unidentifiable instruments, and at one point it looks like the vocalist's head is going to explode. That's all I have to say about that.

After the break we see the Ford Commercial which consists of the top 9 playing a pick up b-ball game to the tune of "It's Tricky" (one of my favorite songs on the "Can't Hardly Wait" soundtrack). There are a lot of slam dunks, some cheering, Archie plays referee and...that's about it. Boo on you, Ford. This was the perfect opportunity to feature a shirtless Jason and you blew it!

Back to your results. Ryan turns to Carly on the couch to ask if she's still miffed by Simon's slam about her wardrobe (ironically she's wearing an ugly YELLOW top this time). She points out that he still hasn't apologized, and apparently never will after what he said during the call-ins. DC is called out center stage to learn his fate, but first, we get a health update. Yes, he does have high blood pressure and he did go to the hospital but the whole thing was "blown way out of proportion." (Family members say he NEVER collapsed). Anyway, he's safe. Next up is Ramiele, looking even more dwarf-y in boots and a long T-shirt. Not surprisingly, she is the first person sent to the stools. Then it's Kristy's turn in the spotlight, and she's brought a slip of paper which reads "Kristy's seat" because she knows where she's headed (someone needs to school that girl on the Law of Attraction, but preferably not until she's sent home next week). Sources say Kristy gave away her little paper to someone in the audience. My question is--who would want it? Paula is consulted on what she thinks of Rami and Kristy being in the bottom three and says she thinks they both had "good nights."

Time to catch up with a few of our former Idol contestants who are currently living in Nashville. First up is Bucky Covington, who I'm told got a divorce since his time on the show in season 5. He says AI is one of the "smartest thing I've ever did" (LOL) and that he currently has two singles out. Then Phil Stacey gets to plug his upcoming album and his wife shows off her new hairdo. Bo Bice has been busy since he lost to Carrie Underwood in season 4--he endured multiple surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio, started a record label, cut two albums and had a son. He very diplomatically explains why his new album "See the Light" is nothing like "The Real Thing" (aka the piece of crap album AI produced). Ryan explains that we will be tracking down more former contestants in the coming weeks. Oooh...is anyone else dying to find out what's been going on with Kevin Covias? How about Haley Scarnat-ho? Melissa McGhee? Didn't think so.

Let's fill that third stool....Syesha is trotted out and asked if she found covering IWALY to be a daunting task. She hems and haws over her answer, and it's obvious that no, she thinks she's the next Whitney and would love for people to start agreeing with her. She's safe. Which leaves Jason and Brooke, who travel arm-in-arm to center stage. Ry asks blondie how she thought she did after watching the tape back, and Brooke responds that she hasn't had a chance to watch yet, but wants Simon to apologize to the violinist. Si takes the opportunity to break his earlier promise and apologize to everyone in the room. Brooke is...not safe, and Jason heads to the couch. Simon is asked what he thinks of the b-3 (which I predicted correctly BTW) and he says he agrees with it. Then he explains he was only trying to help Carly with the fashion comment (tell her not to wear yellow, I say!) and Randy interjects with a, "Because the show's about fashion, not singing, right?" Good one, Jackson.

This week's IGB plug focuses on two homeless sisters in Ethiopia who were separated for months but have since been reunited and given a place to stay thanks to the IGB street team, who never stop working for you. Carly cries openly, and MJ passes DC a tissue. Aw.

Next, Dolly Parton performs her new single "Jesus and Gravity" in a white sparkly outfit only Dolly could pull off. I like the concept of the song in theory (if Pauler were singing it'd go, "I've got stimulants lifting me up, I've got booze holding me down...") but between all the Jesus talk, the philanthropy, Brooke's soon-to-come mini-sermon, and the full-on choir I feel the need to go watch an R-rated movie or something.

FINALLY we get our less-than-shocking results. Jackson calls it, Simon says "it won't be Brooke," Brooke gives her mini-sermon and is sent back to safety. (Sources say she was practically hyperventilating up there and even Nigel came on stage to comfort her.) After the vote, it's Kristy whose sent to safety, and the shot of the open-mouthed Malubays is PRICELESS. They are utterly shocked, and Rami is utterly crushed...not only by the let-down but by Kristy's chest as they hug.

We see her Idol journey video, all the girls line up behind her in support as she reprises "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind" and the boys eventually join in for a group hug. Goodbye our teary little Ramiele, we love your voice and all-around cuteness. Keep working on your wardrobe and stage presence between now and the tour and we'll come see ya, deal?

Here's the official scoop on next week's Idol Gives Back extravaganza:

The actual charity event will be filmed on Sunday, April 6th at the Kodak Theater (tickets for the event were sold instead of given away). Ellen DeGeneres will no longer be co-hosting the event due to scheduling conflicts, so Seacrest is on his own.

The top 8 will perform Inspirational Songs live the following Tuesday from 8-9 and (unless the sponsors aren't as generous as last year) your votes will not only determine their fate but will generate donation money.

The pre-taped footage from the charity event will air Wednesday from 7:30-10 and feature appearances and performances by a slew of celebs like Brad Pitt, Mariah Carey, Snoop Dogg and Miley Cyrus. Mariah was originally scheduled to perform a duet with the late Marvin Gaye in the same style as last year's Celine Dion/Elvis performance, but that act has been cut.

Then one contestant will be eliminated on the results show at a special day and time (Thursday from 8-9) with a performance of "No Air" by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown.

Results: With Extra Cheese

These results shows are just getting more and more unbearable...and it has nothing to do with having to say goodbye to a contestant. Join me, will you, as I lead us through the latest drawn-out elimination (aka an hour-long preview of what hell is like).

Over 30 million votes were received this week, which is the most so far this season. Former contestants Amy Davis (for the second night in a row), David Hernandez and Danny Noriega are in the audience, but no one seems to care.

Say hi to the top 10, show love to the judges and don't forget to submit your song to the songwriting contest.

Time for what just might be the cheesiest group song in the history of group songs, upon where the top 10 run out on stage to camp it up with "Right Back Where We Started From." Their dancing is extra goofy, however the prize for MOST goofy would have to go to Jason. You know that first time you run into your ex after the breakup and you study them to see how well they're taking it and how good they look? Well, after publicly ending things with Jason the night before, of course he had to decide to get back at me by dressing hot for once. Sigh. Still, my favorite (only) part of this trainwreck was when D-Cook and MJ bumped chests, because at least it was funny.

We get an ad for IGB during the commercial break, and then a thinly-veiled ad for iTunes as they roll footage of the top 10 recording their studio versions of this weeks songs. Next it's recap footage from the night before whereupon we are reminded of Brooke's re-start to her song and some other stuff I couldn't be bothered to jot down.

This week's elimination process is exactly the same as last week -- comfy sofas on one end of the stage, ridiculously uncomfortable b-3 stools on the other, trot the contestants out one by one to learn their fate.

First up is Cheesy, and he's banished to the not fun side of the stage. Then we have Brooke in a WTF? outfit - she's safe, but again unsure as to where exactly she should sit on the couches. Carly's up next, and Ryan wisely takes the opportunity to have her clear up the pregnancy rumors. She's not preggers, and she's not in the b-3 either.

After the break we are subjected to one of the lamest Ford commercials ev-ah. After a LOOOOONG shot of an electric blue Ford Focus, the contestants individually appear Harry Potter style on shirts and CD covers, singing "I Want you to Want Me." It is reminiscent of the billboard video in season 5, but not nearly as good. My guess is that with Easter they didn't have time to do a "real" shoot.

Back to the results. Archie = SAFE. D-Cook = SAFE (oh and Chris Cornell called to say he loved it, BTW - take that haters!) Syesha = B-3 again, sorry. MJ = SAFE.

Time for the latest call-in segment, whereupon Ryan continues to ask Simon questions and ignore half of the contestants. First up is Sarah, who wants to know if Chikezie is single. I'm guessing she's one of the only people who cared to learn the answer, but yes, he is currently "very, very single." Nicole wants to know why Archie chose to sing a song most people had never heard. He already answered this question in the recap footage, but let's hear it again: He is in the minority in that he "loves that song" and it's one of his favorites. Ari wants to know how she can take Seacrest's job. Simon answers, "You don't need a lot of talent." Caitlin wants to know who Brooke would do a duet with. Brooke chooses John Mayer of all people. Vanessa from TX wants to know if Simon considers himself the most attractive person on the show. I think we all know the answer to that one.

Season 2 finalist Kimberley Locke is back to perform her new single "Fall" in a green couture dress which is now being auctioned off for charity and matching eyeshadow. In her lead-in video we learn that she now co-owns a restaurant and has lost 40 pounds. I didn't start watching AI faithfully until season 4, so I've only seen a handful of Kimberley's performances but I can tell you right now...sleepingbeauty is not impressed. Her song is pitchy, her performance stilted, and if she were being judged for real they would have called it "safe." Syesha performed better the night before, and I didn't even really enjoy her number.

Time for IGB plug number 485 out of 976, with multiple shout-outs to Exxon Mobile who is again one of the major sponsors of the event. Last year we raised $76 million (why does Seacrest pronounce "million" like Dr. Evil?) and even though we supposedly already spent $80 million on nets to prevent malaria, somehow there was still money left over to: help with the renovations in New Orleans, put 10,000 kids in Boys & Girls Club programs, provide 120 million meals to hungry people, fund three mobile medical units, provide 21,000 life-saving immunizations, provide books for 13,000 budding readers AND help provide shelter for the victims of the CA fires and TN tornadoes.

And now, your final results. Ramiele is SAFE and it's down to Kristy and Jason. As I predicted, Kristy's pandering to middle-America kept her b-3 free, and it is Castro who makes his maiden voyage to the b-3, but is quickly put out of his misery.

Syesha and Chikezie join hands center stage to learn their fate, and not surprisingly, it is Cheesy who gets the boot. I never truly "got" him but he's a nice guy and I wish him the best. We see his journey video and he reprises "If Only for One Night" complete with the audience-member serenade.

Tune in next week when the top 9 perform songs from the Dolly Parton songbook. That's right--the contestants will NOT be given the usual country theme, but will instead be limited to jingles from Dolly's repertoire. It's been confirmed. I would tell you what I think of this travesty, but there aren't enough hours in the day. After all, I've got to work 9 to 5 just to make a livin'....

Rocker Nurse Rides off into the Sunset

So FOX has a nasty habit of starting the broadcast a lil early in my area. It's been a consistent annoyance this season, and because I was watching the absolutely titillating preview for next week's America's Next Top Model, Ry had already announced the first mentor of the season by the time I switched channels. Fortunately I'm resourceful and can fill in the blanks...

Let's see, I'd wager that there was a little "This. is. American. Idol!" greeting, new credits and a quick hello to the judges before the mentor announcement. Joining us this season will be Dolly Parton (for the ever-present Country theme week), Mariah Carey (iTunes or Billboard top 100's? 90's week? Diva week?), Andrew Lloyd Weber (Showtunes) and Neil Diamond (Songs No One but His Fans Wants to Hear Week). AOL Television previously reported that Jewel, Olivia Newton-John and Carol Bayer Sager would be appearing instead. Humm....curious.

AI Songwriting Competition is on! Make sure you get your entries in my March 25th--This is YOUR now!

Time for another crappy Beatles medley. Guess who gets to kick things off? Pimpchuleta, singing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Cook (the one that matters) and Castro then get to duet and it's the highlight of the medley for me for it. Chikezie and Mikey join in and MJ's voice actually sounds powerful when following the Cheez. Girls come out with a little "Here, There and Everywhere" and they all get to sing and prance around the stage except for Amanda, who is sitting on the couches as though she's been forgotten (foreshadowing, anyone?) Oh yeah, and Ramiele's mic doesn't work. I then throw up in my mouth a little when D-Cook (being the gentleman that he is) leads K-Cook by the hand for a little Cook squared action. Then the top 11 form a half-circle to sing "Because" and do the Idol shuffle for "The End." What these medley's need: better choreographers, more rehearsal time, and lots of booze (for those us watching at home).

Then we are tortured again with the recap of the "second dose of the Beatles" (anyone else feel close to OD'ing? Perhaps on purpose to end the agony?) Time to find out who gets to sit on the nice comfy safe couches (aka who is going on the Idols Live! tour this summer), and who will be banished to the other side of the stage and have to sit in the b-3 stools until their butt goes numb. Brooke is the first person to make the top 10 (for those of you with short-term memory: Brooke was also the first female to make the top 12). Carly's up next and...she's NOT sent to join Brooke on the couch (there's your shocker people, it doesn't get much better than this). Archie makes the top 10 (collective "duh!") and so does the Aussie, because he's hot.

After the break, we get to see the behind-the-scenes footage of this week's Ford video, where the contestants were sent to the "middle of nowhere" on a windy day to shoot a video within a video. The top 11 are depicted as making their own black and white flying saucer movie from the 50's, with D-Cook as director, Castro and Archie as stagehands, and the rest as actors with bad hair. The actual commercial (done to the tune of "Should I Stay or Should I Go") isn't as good what precedes it IMO.

Back to the results, in which each contestant is trotted out one by one like show ponies. Cook with Talent: Keep on rockin'. Cook Without: B-3. Castro: In like Flynn. Lullaby: No reason to cry.

Time to answer more viewer questions (or rather, roll-tape of previously recorded footage--which explains the new seating arrangements on the couch for this and the performance that follows). Cheryl Ann from MO wants to know why Simon spends all of his money on cars instead of clothes. Si tells her that's a rude question but that it's because he doesn't have an ego. Jessica from Jersey is dying to know if there will be a sequel to the Simon-Paula liplock shot back in season two. Paula isn't really given the chance to answer, but Simon says yes, he'd consider it, because despite it all, Pauler's actually not half bad. Mary from L.A. asks Rami what the last song she downloaded on her iPod was. Rami giggles and answers, "R. Kelly's 'I'm a Flirt'." Linda, also from L.A. wants to know if Michael's AI experience is everything he hoped for and more. The answer: "Yes, even though I apparently peaked during Hollywood week" (proof that he reads the press about him, LOL).

And, now, a performance by season 5's Kellie Pickler who has "grown in so many ways" (cheap shot, Ry). We see footage of Pickles talking about her USO tour, upcoming sophomore album, working with Rascal Flatts, and of course memorable moments from her time on AI. As it turns out, Pickles is the second highest grossing non-winner or runner up in the history of AI--who knew? Singing her first single "Red High Heels" and dressed to match, Kellie worked the stage, exuded confidence and fully embraced her country twang (with some KLC Crazy Eyes thrown in for good measure). I can't say I actually enjoyed it, but it was preferable to watching this year's blonde country bimbo. It seems our dear Pickles is all growed up.

Idol Gives Back Part Duex is April 9th. Fantasia and Elliott were sent to Angola to deliver bed nets to prevent Malaria, from which 3,000 children die every day. I'm all for this, but either AI's numbers were a little off or I'm worse at math than I think. They said we donated eight million nets last year, which at $10 a pop would be $80 million, however IGB only raised $76 million and some of that was supposed to go towards anti-Malaria pills, after-school programs in the slums, and to help those Appalachian kids who can't read good. Elliott is given the honor of having a newborn baby named after him, as is native custom for babies born when visitors are in their village.

Final results: Syesha - SAFE. Amanda and Chikezie center stage, Token Black Guy to the couch. B-3 huddle together, Irish girl sent back to safety (no one is surprised, but she pretends to be). Either the Rocker Nurse or the Country Fembot is going home. Unfortunately, it's...

...our Harley-ridin', black eyeliner-wearin' rocker chick who is bid adieu--an announcement which actually results in violence from a 7-year old in my living room. Seriously. I had prepared to part ways with Amanda, but like many viewers, I was more disappointed that KLC was safe than anything.

* * *

Tune in next week, when the top 10 take on Songs from the Year of their Birth.

A Hard Day's Night for Hernandez

It's time for the first cut on the new stage. Well, after about an hour of filler that is. First it's hi to the judges.  Then comes the announcement that next weeks theme has been changed to Beatles the Redux (so much for changing it up) due to the number of calls received (and the fact that they paid for the rights to 180 songs).

 

Jim Carrey is in the audience in an elephant costume to promote his new film "Horton Hears a Who" which the top 12 were sent to watch over the weekend.

The Top 12 perform a pretty cruddy Beatles medley of "All My Lovin'," "I Feel Fine," "Can't Buy Me Love," and "Help!" Jason finally gets a solo.

Sanjaya and his sister are spotted in the audience. Where's Cryin' Ashley when you need her?

Roll tape of the recap from yesterday's performances. I am pictured directly in front of Hernandez (OMG it's an omen!)  They actually highlight Archuleta forgetting his lyrics, I am shocked.

Over to the couches. Ry asks Carly, Michael, Jason and Syesha to stand, then goes down the row and deems them all safe except for Syesha. She looks completely defeated and like she's been crying all day. Her finance is there to support her. Syesha again sings "Gotta Get You Into My Life."

Onto the first Ford commercial of the season. The top 12 are depicted as politicians vying for votes to the tune of "Going the Distance." Highlights for me were the "Vote for (insert name here)" signs and D-Cook holding two babies.

Instead of a full Horton premiere video where the contestants are forced to talk about how much they LOVED the film, this time the premiere is spliced with footage from the top 12 photo shoot and interviews about how the contestants lives are changing. I wanted shots of them eating popcorn and sitting in the theater damnit.

Back to the couches. Chikezie, Amanda, Kristy and D-Cook are asked to stand. All are deemed safe except Kristy, who says, "Where's the microphone?" before Ryan tells her she's in the b-3, then apologizes that we're going to have to hear her ho-down version of "Eight Days a Week" again.

After that's over we begin the first live caller series. Ryan pulls up a list of callers on the screen and chooses 12-year old Paige as the first one. She directs her question to...the person who dislikes talking the most. Castro is asked "If you could be a judge for the day, who would you be?" Jason has no idea how to respond (seriously, would you?) and begins with something about Paula, because she's the most different from him (I do not like where this is going) and then starts talking about Randy's shoes and Simon's...something, to which Ryan concludes, "A hybrid then." The next question is from six-time auditionee Ronny in NC, who wants to know what advice the judges have for him. Simon says, "Get another job," and Pauler adds, "Keep singing to Simon." John from LA wants to know when Ry and Si are going to throw down. Ry says he's waiting for them to load in the mud. Seacrest skips over the next thing on the screen which reads "Simon is sexy" (Can you say scripted ploy? That's not even a question). The last question is for Simon (what's with all of the judge questions, where are the Arch Angels with their "What do you dream about at night" type questions?) Tracy wants to know who Scowel thinks are more talented: Americans or Brits. Simon thinks Americans are more talented on stage, but on panel, well naturally the it's the Brit.

Time for a special performance of George Harrison's "Something" by Kat McPhee with Grammy winner David Foster accompanying her on piano. Kat wears Kristy's sparkly tank top from yesterday as a dress and chooses to stand in one spot and be boring. Seriously, my 7-year old daughter (who CRIED when Kat lost) could not be bothered to turn around to watch this performance. The song really does not pack as much punch when sung by a woman with the pronoun change, IMO. And I wanna know why those front row peeps got out of doing the hand-wave.

After the break we find Jim Carrey, sans costume, sitting on the couch acting nervous, as though he may be up for elimination. It's been done before, but this time I felt it was particularly insensitive to the contestants who were waiting to learn their fate.

They send Jim back to his chair, and Archuleta, Brooke, Hernandez and Ramiele are ushered to center stage. Wonderboy is deemed safe, Brookie is staying another week, and Rami (sporting the latest in bumblebee wear) is off the hook. We see Danny Noriega in the audience cheering her on (I just KNEW Danny would be there this week and kept looking for him when we were there yesterday). Hernandez rounds out the b-3, sings "I Saw her Standing There" and flubs a lyric.

The b-3 are rounded up and the judges are consulted. Paula says her head's on her shoulders. They all pretty much agree that America got it right. After 29 million votes, Syesha is safe. Kristy is...also safe.

David Hernandez leaves us tonight. Guess I won't have to bring any dollar bills with me to the concert this summer. We see his Idol journey to the tune of Ruben's cover of Kenny Loggins "Celebrate Me Home" and it is all a bit meh.

Thanks for "Papa was a Rollin' Stone" David, and for all of the dancing you professed you couldn't do. Rudy Cardeneas would be proud. Which reminds me - be out and proud. No more pretending to like girls or work at a pizza bistro.

The First Cut is the...Easiest

As the camera pans across our Top 24 at the start of the first Elimination show of the season, it's apparent that there's a definite theme going on: All of the guys are dressed in suits and the girls are in black and white 60's garb. After the intro, Ryan announces that they received about 28 million votes, which isn't much considering that it was divided among 24 contestants, and further bucks the claim that this is the "BEST. SEASON. EVER!"

After a video depicting the top 24's paparazzi-style photoshoot to the tune of Daughtry's "What About Now?" the contestants perform a medley of songs from the 60's. First up are the guys with a little "Needles and Pins" and "Everytime You Walk in the Room." They finish the latter just as, well, the girls walk in the room (didn't see that one coming!) Girls sing "Spanish Harlem," Birthday girl Alaina Whitaker gets a one-line solo (and one of the ugliest outfits), and one of the girls (not sure who) messes up at the end of the song. Then things get very Hairspray as the collective lot perform "Bend Me, Shake Me" with two of the three "rockers" getting to shout about "the power." It ends of course, with a big cheesy jazz-hands finish. :::jazz hands:::

At elimination time, the guys sweat it out the stage while the girls sit in the area formerly known as The Dawg Pound (whatever happened to that, anyway?) Ryan says they're just going to have a little chat and pretends to choose one of the guys at random. Garrett Haley is called to the center of the stage and is told in the most rapid-fire manner in recent memory, "it's-over-you-suck-good-bye-now-sing." HARSH! Poor Garrett doesn't know what hit him. He reprises "Breaking up is Hard to Do" from Tuesday night and it is oh-so apropos as essentially, America is breaking up with him. I was somewhat surprised to see Garrett cut first, as I expected America to get behind him when Simon gave him the worst tongue-lashing of the night. Also, there were at least four guys who sang far worse than he did. My advice to Garrett is to work on his craft and to look into doing character voice-overs, because he'd be mad good at it.

The contestants play musical chairs during the commercial break, as it's now the girl's turn to face the axe. Kristy is called out and nervously makes her way center stage but everyone sitting at home knows it can't be that easy, after all, we still have approximately 40 minutes to kill. She is deemed SAFE, and as expected, it's Amy Davis who's being sent home. Poor girl is shaking like a leaf as she again sings "Where the Boys Are," only this time it sounds worse. I am reminded of Becky O'Donahue, who had the same fate both on Idol and in Maxim magazine. No advice needed, as I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Amy...in the centerfolds.

Before the break, Seacrest teases (warns) us that "when we return, we'll see Paula shake what Mama Abdul gave her." Paula looks surprised at this announcement, which can only mean one thing...it's a video, not a live performance. (Of course it's a video, can you imagine the field day Simon would have if it weren't? I think Paula would be the next person sent home.) At 47, Ms. Abdul is older than my mom who has been a grandma for seven years. But that didn't stop Paula from recording a dance track called "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow" that isn't even good enough to be on Britney's album (and is a bona fide earworm, much to my chagrin). Like Britney, there is very minimal dancing by the artist and a lot by the "back up" dancers. I will say this much--I was a fan of Paula in the 90's and she looked d*mn hot in that black lace cougar dress. After the video ends Seacrest approaches the judges table with an electric fan to recreate Paula's windblown look depicted in the video.

Rocker Nurse and Joanne face the firing squad and it's last hired, second fired, as Joanne is given her walking papers. I wouldn't have minded giving the plus-sized beauty another chance if she hadn't made my ears bleed the night before. She sings "Say A Little Prayer" and (thank God) this time it's much better--too bad they made her wear a mumu. My advice to big J is to see if she can mainstream her plus-sized creations, and of course....never give up on your dreams.

After the break, the boys are once again in the hotseat and it's Chikeze and Colton that are summoned by The Metrosexual One to learn their fate. I was glad to see Chikeze there after his cheeseball performance, but surprised about Colton if only because I was convinced it would be either Luke Menard or Jason Yeager. Unfortunately, it's Chikeze who's sent back to safety. The rest of the fallen Idols are called back to the stage to watch their Idol Journey Video, which features Garrett giving mommy a kiss on the lips (whoa!) and Colton being a lot more OUT than he was ever shown being on the show. C-Train revives "Suspicious Minds" which can now officially be deemed one of the kiss of death songs, future Idol hopefuls be warned. My advice to Colton is to follow in the footsteps of Anthony Federov and pursue a career on the stage.

Lots of tears are shed by several of the remaining 20, but among those who remain smug are Michael Johns, who is twice shown having to tear himself away from mugging the camera Maroulis-style. (Tone it down, dude.)

* * *

Tune in Tuesday, when the remaining 10 guys will perform whatever crappy theme they are given.