So we've had a full week to recover from the shocker that was MJ's brutal and untimely elimination, but I for one am still in mourning. Our Idol lineup seemed infinitely smaller and less purty this week, and is about to get even more so.
Intros all around, then this week's group song: "One Sweet Day." Jason kicks things off and though he sounds a little rough he looks smokin' hot. The torch is then passed to Kristy, who, like Jason, manages to make a white top and jeans look incredible. Then the rest join in and I can't help but notice that Screamecha (sporting a Nadia Turner-esque faux-hawk) sounds out of place, whereas Carly and Archie harmonize beautifully together.
Commercials, plug for the Songwriting Contest, then the recap package where I am a blur for a half-second.
And so begins our elimination process. We see the top 7 gathered backstage, allowing a moment of "humm...maybe they will be departing from typical top 7 elimination process of separating them into two groups and making the top vote-getter choose a side..." Nope, we get to play left, right, left, as each contestant is individually called to the stage.
First up, Castro. He's told to head stage left, which is near the couches of comfort (psychology, anyone?) Next is D-Cook, who's asked about the tears at the end of his performance. He holds strong to his decision not to use his sick brother for sympathy votes, and gives a vague generalized answer instead. David is then sent to the other side of the stage, near the Stools of Doom which can only mean one thing--someone will be trading places at one point, 'cuz there's no way in hell a boy is in the b-3 this week. Carly is called to the center of the stage and after much sexually suggestive banter with Ry and Si she is told to join Jason near but not on the couches. Then it's Kristy's turn, and for the sake of evening the sides she's told to join her namesake stage right, but not before she calls Simon a "butt." (I honestly didn't know whether to cheer or sneer, so I chneered.)
Commercials, including the one that matters: The Ford Video, set to the tune of "I Want to Break Free." The Idols are hooked up to cords Marionette-style as they toil away in a dreary office before nice shiny Fords come rescue them from their boredom. While the actual car part is cheesy, I loved the office concept and they way (most) of the contestants played their parts. D-Cook managed to look like both PeeWee Herman and Milton ("I believe you have my stapler?"), while Archie was every bit a creepy Munsters robot boy (in a good way). Kristy's acting has improved immensely since her stint as a white coat in an electric toothbrush commercial.
We're taking a break from the results for a live performance, so the contestants are assembled on the couches but Ryan reminds us that they've so far been separated into two groups, with Castro & Carly on one side and "The Cooks" on the other (notice that she cackles like a madwoman, while he just looks annoyed).
Elliott Yamin performs "Free" in his first time on stage since the loss of his mother Claudette. I personally felt that it was too soon and that his performance suffered because of it (his vocals were not nearly as good as usual) but he managed to keep a smile on his face and get through it, so for that I applaud him. He then pulled a He-Cook and revealed the message "We Miss You Mom" written on his hand whereupon I instantly burst into tears. (I swear I'm not usually this emotional, but lately this stuff is getting to me...) Bonus points to anyone who recognized Jose "Sway" Penala among the backup singers.
More sort-of results: Syesha goes left, Babbling Brooke (who sneaks in a vegetarian shout out, thanks for that) goes right.
Time to roll footage of the call-ins. First question is from Joan in Vegas. She wants to know if Kristy's been able to buy her horse back. Unfortunately, no, the bastard she sold it to is holding out for more money. Boo on him. Next is Jillian from Maine who, in honor of National Record Store Day (WTF?) asks what records the judges first bought. Randy: Led Zep, The Beatles, James Brown. Paula: Jackson 5, EW&F and Carole King. Simon: "I was 10 years old, and it was Pauler Abdul's Straight Up." Megan from NJ wants to give a bunch of shout outs before asking Pauler which of her songs describes her relationship with Simon. Let's see, Cold-Hearted Snake...too obvious. Opposites Attract, yep. And finally, Straight Up Simon, she will never be Forever Your Girl. Denise from Cincinnati wants Simon to explain the difference between a theme-park, karaoke, and piano bar performance. The answer: "In a nutshell, they're all horrible." And finally, our very own Mallory from the AI boards asks DC in her adorable country twang the question the Word Nerds have been debating for months: "Are you single?" He asks which camera to look into before declaring: "Yes! Yes! Yes!" and thus ending Lacey-gate 2008 (or at least putting it off, my women's intuition tells me she's still a threat and will soon be back in the audience to taunt us.)
Now on sale: Ruben postage stamps! You know you want more of the Velvet Teddy Bear...
Mariah takes the stage to perform her newest single, "Bye Bye" in an outfit that would not be out of place on Hollywood Blvd. Her mic has a weird echo and it sounds like she's singing over a track of herself doing backup at one point but she looks so f'n hot it doesn't really matter. Her mic stand is glitter-fied, she's got a sparkly press-on butterfly tattoo, and wind machines keep her hair a-blowin.' Then we get to hear how much she loves Randy, how great it was to work with the contestants and a plug for her new album.
Time for the final results. Archie is backstage all by his lonesome but is brought out and quickly declared safe. There are "too many Cook's in the kitchen" (foreshadowing, anyone?) so Ry asks He-Cook and Syesha to swap places. That's more like it. Archie is asked to join the group he thinks is safe, and cops a squat center-stage faster than you can say Mindy Doo. Ryan urges him to scoot closer to the couches, and declares Cookie, Carly and Castro safe. DC sits on the stage with Archie, Carly faces a sitting-in-a-dress-dilemma, and Castro wonders why everyone in his group is suddenly gearing up to play duck-duck-goose.
And so our b-3 consists of roomies Syesha, Kristy and Brooke. Our diva is sent to safety, leaving the two blonde best buddies to sweat it out. Simon calls it, Babbling Brooke opens her mouth again, and Kristy gets Sanjaya-ed. (They were both "Worsters" who left in 7th place after a fairly decent performance in comparison to the ones that came before it, then switched up the lyrics to their swan song.)
Roll Kristy's journey where we are again reminded of her poor horse (how soon before we see the headline "Man Sells Back Horse to Idol Finalist"? Two weeks?)
Kristy then serenades Simon with her fitting swan song: "These days of love are gone. Our time is through. Spent all my time waiting, for a good comment from you..."
Peace out Kristy. I hope you get your horse back.
Our dual-Cook problem has officially been solved. Now if only we could take care of the dual-David dilemma...
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