Once again I braved the heat, the multiple hours of waiting in line, the Arch Angels (way more intimidating than the Hells Angels IMO), and risked losing my snark cred to bring you my front-row rehearsal report. The front row does not come without a price, dear reader. Not only does it involve dressing like Britney Spears (it's sleepingbeauty, bitch!) but this week I had to deal with the Ryan Seacrest Fan Club (Amazon blondes who kept edging me out and screaming "I love you Ryan!" over and over and over and over and I'm not kidding over and over and over...and OMG shut-the-hell-up over again) as well as a gaggle of the most clueless brunettes I've ever encountered. Should the curse of the top 5 strike again, I doubt I will be able to put up with this crap. (In case you are as clueless as the brunettes on this one, EVERY contestant who has ever performed second during top 5 week has been eliminated the next night. My man performed in the spot of doom. So for everyone's sake, you better hope DC is exempt from the curse. Honest to blog.)
Before we get to the performance reviews, here are some behind-the-scenes tidbits:
Paula Abdul made a special appearance in the studio. Normally the judges aren't in the studio during rehearsals (they have sit-ins) but she came in and silently hugged half the audience (including those damn brunettes) and tripped in her monstrous stilettos.
David Hernandez was in the rehearsal audience. Some people (guess who?) didn't know who he was, despite the fact that he performed on that very stage not two months ago.
Nigel was sporting some sort of bandage on his hand. When asked what happened he replied, "Surgery."
David Cook was the first to be spotted waiting in the wings and when people began waving at him, he waved back, and then more people started waving, and he waved at them, and then still more people waved, and so he decided to do a crazy all-over hyper wave to end the madness which was funny.
When we filmed the results package for tomorrow's show, Jason was yawning, Brooke took the longest to come out again, and D-Cook was teasing Debbie who said, "I got to touch Brad Pitt and now David Cook" to which he exclaimed, "Make the face!"
Anyways, Neil Diamond met and mentored the final five on two songs apiece. I have nothing to say about Neil except his collection of sparkly shirts is surely the envy of Kristy Lee Cook. And Ryan Seacrest. Oh, and did anyone else think Brooke sounded like a tranny when she met Neil? Scary.
Jason was up first with "Forever in Blue Jeans" in a pair of (what else?) blue jeans that fit in all right places. He sings out of the side of his mouth like a stroke victim, but still manages to look adorable. This performance was okay, and definitely better in person. I liked his little guitar swagger and the sweet smile he threw in at the end. In rehearsal the Amazons complimented his snakeskin boots and asked him for a hug before he started, and he looked down at the stage and said, "Um, I think that would be kinda awkward...How 'bout high-fives instead?" He then hand-slapped everyone in the front row, including yours truly. (I can die happily.)
Up next: Cook & Brooke, the newest superhero team. (For those of you whose Idol obsession does not extend to behind-the-scenes videos, Brooke was asked to name their superhero duo on the set of last week's Ford video and came up with "Cook & Brooke" which DC praised before looking into the camera and mouthing, "That's terrible!")
Cook is interviewed, or rather, turns the question on Seacrest, asking him how he prepared for The Diamond. The rehearsal interview is usually not the same as the one they do in the live show but this time it was.
D-Cook then rocked "I'm Alive" complete with electric guitar, his hottest rockstar look to date and flashy lights (which were fortunately briefer than the ones he blinded me with during Eleanor Rigby). I couldn't comprehend a word of this in rehearsal, so engaged was I in trying to catch his eye and deciphering the inscription on the dog tags among his 50 necklaces to verify that they were indeed the ones the Word Nerds sent him (they are). He responded to my wave with a smile this time. Due to an issue with his guitar they had him perform this a second time. As you can imagine, no one complained. I felt his live performance wasn't as strong though--his voice sounded gravely and more mumbly than usual and things weren't as amped. Also, talk about a 5 o'clock shadow! I swear he grew more facial hair in the one hour between the time I saw him and the live show.
Brooke nailed "I'm A Believer" in rehearsal, and I thought it was a very fitting Shrek soundtrack song for her. (I also gave her bonus points when she told us it was, "scary to have to sing after David Cook.") Then on camera...WTF happened? She started with wide eyes, added some crazy faces and headbobbing, forced...everything, sounded once again like Brooky the Tranny (seriously, listen to the audio alone) and then, she eventually got better as the song went on. Um, there went my Brooke-might-be-safe-this-week theory.
Archie, dressed like the Hamburgler, then decided to diva-fy the most popular bar song evah: "Sweet Caroline." Oh no he di-in't! I like my Sweet Caroline straight up with a twist of lime at 2 a.m. when the bar is closing and everyone is drunk and happy. This song was never meant to belted with goshdarn GLORY NOTES and his infamous hand-reach. That said, he sounded great. Also, ArchuD2: The Forbidden Fruit (thanks Mags!) is the only one holding true to the no-touching policy, so maybe it is a Dadchuleta rule after all.
Syesha performs "Hello Again" seated and barefoot, then rises for the big finish. (Why does this performance remind me of Fivel from American Tale? Seriously wondering...) She sounds great, but nobody cares. Seriously, people in the audience got more excited when a stagehand grossly mispronounced her name than when she finished her song, which might have been the best vocal of the night.
Ryan then consulted the judges for brief comments on the FIRST round of songs and Paula provided her take on BOTH of Jason's songs which caused a stir, awkwardness and some vicious "AI IS SCRIPTED!!!" posts online. Um, seriously people I've already attested to the fact that Ms. Abdul was in the hizzouz before the rehearsal began. The judges watch from backstage while getting their hair and make up done to get an idea of what they're going to say. It actually looked like she took notes for the purpose of being concise, and part of the reason she WASN'T on it could have had something to do with the fact that Ryan announced at least twice before that that they judges would be asked for their feedback AFTER everyone sang their second song. And yes, it's a sad day when I defend Pauler. (Must have had something to do with the fact that she was within hugging distance today.)
Castro, take two: "September Morn." He was nervous and running through the lyrics in rehearsal and told us that he "never remembers the words" and that it was even harder to have to learn two songs this week (how many times have we heard that one?). He assumed the position on his BFF The Stool and...it was kind of a mess. Better in rehearsal, but still along the lines of last week's "Memory" debacle. And what was with those hyper-hand wavers on TV? (Once again my audience managed to completely escape the hand-waving horror. Victory!)
Holy smouldering eyes Batman! D-Cook made me swoon with "All I Really Need is You" when he looked down at me with those half-lidded bedroom eyes as he sung part of it. LOOOOVES it. Pure, sweet perfection. :::Prays to iTunes gods::: Please let this be the single you release!
Ry asked Brooke about Neil during her rehearsal interview, but she was more interested in going back and forth to the piano to check if it was in tune and if the bench was positioned properly and if they placed her shoes in the right place than having a chat. Those shoes (same pumps Ryan got cheeky with during top 12 week) were once again given to Ry to...enjoy. Brooke performed "I Am, I Said" with some of the lyrics written on hand and changed NY to AZ per Neil's suggestion (I thought she was from Van Nuys?). She sounded both hoarse and screechy with a few broken notes, but it was still better than the "I'm A Believer" you saw on TV.
The Archburgler then decided to pull a Kristy Lee on us and get patriotic with "America" complete with cheesy American flag screensaver. Closer inspection of the words reveals that he's actually pandering to/preaching about immigrants. A very wise song choice indeed. In rehearsal he had a coughing fit at end of his song and tried to apologize for it along with his Forbidden Fruityness which resulted in the following: Sorry! *cough* I can't! *cough* Sorry! *cough* I'm not allowed! *cough*
Ryan gives an iTunes shout out and I get excited when I spot an adorable bro and sis from FL who I met in line that end up on camera for a good 15 seconds. Yay for them!
Syesha closes the show with one of the songs I recommended for her: "Thank the Lord for the Night Time" (thanks for listenin' girl). She asked our audience to have fun with it and clap and do the moves along with her. A grouchy stagehand questioned her decision to go barefoot again, but Sy held firm ("No, I don't have any shoes for this dress.") As I anticipated, the song was a great fit for her and she had fun with it.
On the way out I saw Brooke's husband and Jason's brother, and met Archie's aunt and model-hot cousin.
B-2 prediction: Brooke & Jason with Brooke on the outs.
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