Babbling Brooke Runs Dry

The results are in, America. Is your favorite out?

KLC is in the house. (Methinks she came to try and swipe one of The Diamond's sparkly shirts.)

Ryan is still out of breath...from all the damage control he had to do over Paula-Gate 2008.

Time for an especially crappy group medley of Neil Diamond songs. There were parts of this where I felt like I was watching some horrible talent competition. (Oh wait...) Jason kicks things off with "Cracklin' Rosie" and his voice is a-cracklin' alright. The others sit and sway on the couches like they're fighting traitorous waters on a sinking ship, further inspiring seasickness in those at home. Due to a tricky camera maneuver, I actually thought Archie's too-low register was coming out of Brooke the Tranny for a sec (scary!). Girls do a seat-changing twirl on the couches before getting up to flank Archie with some awkward go-go dancer moves. DC sings, and the hoi polloi doesn't seem to notice that something is wrong with his voice. (Nurse SB prescribes some vocal rest, stat. I'll even cut down our late night phone convos for the cause. Don't need him getting Daughtry-ed next week.) They segue into "Song Sung Blue" and do the infamous Idol side-step while reading the words off the monitor. And finally, the misery ends with a lil "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" preaching. Hallelujah...it's over.

After the break, Ryan spends an unsettlingly brief amount of time addressing Pauler's gaffe, and still no one apologizes to Jason.

We get a 2 1/2 minute recap of the performances, and The Diamond calls the contestants "tops."

Contestants are huddled backstage awaiting their fate, and J-Cast is called out first and sent to safety. While many of my fellow posters seem to think this was the least they could do, it totally killed any suspense over who was going home. I also think it might have been a strategic maneuver on the production's part to give the Dreadheads a false sense of security in order to push Syesha into the top three.

Archie is safe. Judging by her outfit, Mama A is ready to celebrate with some serious salsa dancing after the show. (Either that, or she wants to audition to be one of The Diamond's back up singers). Seriously, could Archie's parents BE any more oddly matched?

Ryan announces that next week's theme is songs that helped shape and inspire rock 'n roll according to the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Before you get too excited, I checked the list, and it really isn't as good as it sounds.

We get an extended SYTYCD preview. Question: Is this just footage from previous seasons, or is Sex really back for more?

Time to announce the winner of the Coca-Cola Cup-Designing Contest. OMG! That's almost as exciting as the notoriously bad American Songwriter Contest. Congratulations guy who won, your parents must be so proud!

More results. Cookie survives The Curse of Going Second on Top Five Week, and it looks like his mom borrowed some of his black nailpolish. (Oh crap, my future MIL is edgier than I am.)

Brooke & Syesha are called center stage. Notice that they are never officially declared the bottom two. Because there's still a good half hour to kill, they are temporarily sent to the couches. Brooke says, "We'll stay as long as we can." Aw!

Natasha Bedingfield performs "Pocket Full of Sunshine" in a horrible Brooke-esque outfit. I like Natasha, but the whole thing pretty much blows. She then gets cuddly with Archie on the couches. Creepy.

Oh God, we still have the "live" call-in segment to get through, and this time the contestants get no love, as all of the questions are directed to the judges table:

-10-year old Michael from Landcaster wants to know why Paula always gives everyone a break. It's because she's the Anti-Simon, Mikey. Everyone's got a role in this thing.

-Miranda from Louisiana wants to know if Paula plans to do another wind-blowing music video with Randy. Simon crosses his fingers, and Paula says she plans to keep on Dancing Like There's No Tomorrow.

-Tara Miller wants to know if Simon remembers their kiss in his garden when he was nine, or if locking lips with Paula has erased that memory. Simon remembers her, and asks if she still looks cute. Ryan wants to know if kissing Simon is really as good as his fantasies.

Hybrid Ford Video to the tune of "Catch the Wind" in which the Idols transform a run-down part of town into...a run-down part of town with some trees and less smog and trash. This might have been a good one for Earth Day last week, geniuses.

Neil Diamond forgoes a sparkly shirt with fringe in favor of a Johnny Cash Man in Black outfit instead. This disappoints me. He sings "Pretty Amazing Grace" and looks to have aged 15 years since he mentored the contestants on Saturday. I suddenly have a horrible vision of D-Cook as a wrinkly old man rocker.

After over 45 million votes, we say goodbye to Brooke who has to choke through tears to reprise "I Am, I Said." Oh boy. At least hubby can cut his hair now.