And So It Goes...Round and Round

We're down to the "top" three, the finale's only a week away and it's time to board the Idol merry-go-round and we endure three rounds of songs, critiques, phone numbers and interviews. Hold on tight, 'cuz you won't wanna miss a thing...

Round One: Judges' Choice

Paula chose "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel for Archuleta. Note that NO contestant Paula has chosen for has ever gone on to win the show, and 5 of the 6 contestants who performed first during top three week were then eliminated. After a brief violin opening, Archie sings a cappella, which was a very smart move. He delivers a beautiful vocal, arguably the best of the night (although I enjoyed Cook's closing song the best in rehearsal). And so it goes...and so it goes...and so it goes...wow that felt way longer on TV, but no matter. I'm proud of the kid. A

Randy's choice for Syesha is "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys, which *interestingly* enough, she already performed on a show called "The One." She wears a sparkly lounge singer dress (DC was fascinated by the reflection it cast on the stage in rehearsal), and it is a very standard Syesha performance that lacks the grittiness of Alicia's vocal and delivery and feels a bit uneven. B

Simon went on record saying that he wanted to pick Cook's song so that he could "push him in a different direction" (interesting, since he's also said he'd listen to him "on a personal level.") Simon's choice for D-Cook is Roberta Flack's "If Ever I Saw Your Face" which has *curiously* already been covered by Simon's prodigy Leona Lewis (Simon's sit-in joked that it was a great song choice, which had DC in stitches). Cook sounds a bit off for the first half of the song and ends with his signature shouty note (not hatin', although shouting about YOUR FACE did seem a tad strange). LOVE the shots of his mom standing and swaying in the audience and when his dad mouthed "Who was the first?" when Paula said it was her second favorite rendition of the song. David brought out a Guitar Hero guitar in rehearsal and acted like he was going to "play" it at first. My friend shouted out that we wanted to see him "on the piano" because we had heard that he plays. He cleared up that rumor, saying that he plays a little but not enough to do it in a performance. Then he said he was "terrible" but I think he was talking about Guitar Hero because I've also heard that--like most guitar players--he's no good. A-

Round Two: Contestant's Choice

In an attempt to appear current (and suspend reality), Archie chose Chris Brown's "With You." This made me giggle, because it involves such choice lyrics as "My Boo," and "Hey little mama," but he totally ended up killing it in rehearsal by playing to the crowd and adding some funky fresh moves (one girl actually cried, LOL). Then things fell apart on TV, and the middle was a complete mess as he struggled with the lyrics. It did however result in the best line of the night, when, after expressing my dismay over his forgetting the words again, Mini-Me exclaimed (in all seriousness) "OMG! He must have amnesia or something!" :::Pauses for laughter::: I'll average out the two versions of the performance I saw and give this a B-.

Syesha delivers a sultry cabaret performance of Peggy Lee's "Fever" with a chair in a dangerously short dress. Paris Bennett did this song in season 5 and it wasn't nearly as :::ahem::: hot. Still, burning hot for Syesha is kinda like lukewarm for Cook. She can ACT sexy but I don't find myself wanting to switch teams when I watch her Haley Scarnat-ho it up, ya know? Props to her for loosening up this week and having fun. She knows she's got little chance of making the finale and isn't stressin'. See ya on Broadway, girl! A-

Cook originally chose Collective Soul's "The World I Know" but then changed his pick to Switchfoot's "Dare You to Move" for whatever reason. He experienced feedback in rehearsal as well as issues choreographing the dis-assembly of the guitar, resulting in maximum Cookie time on stage. The song itself was predictable, safe, and felt like it was over in a flash but I ain't mad at him. Also spotted, the best sign ever: "Cougars 4 Cook!" LOL. A-

Round Three: Producer's Choice

The producers (Nigel?) chose "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg for Archie's final song. I hated that they picked such a dreary ballad for him but he sang it well. It was pretty boring and forgettable, but not his fault. A-

Syesha got to "have fun" again with "Hit Me Up" from the Happy Feet soundtrack. Um, yeah. W T F producers? Could your intentions BE any more obvious? She makes the most of it, but it still won't be enough to "save" her. B+

Finally, a decent song choice from the producers: D-Cook has been assigned "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith, which Antonella Barba butchered last year. Don't get me wrong, it's no "Iris," but a solid song choice nonetheless. The assembly of the strings on stage was brilliant, and I got chills while listening to this because I felt like (okay, imagined) he was singing to me. Cook didn't go for the big notes Steven Tyler hits, but that was probably wise after what happened when MJ attempted Aerosmith. A

* * *

On the way out we talked to a few of Archie's family members and got to meet "David Cook's Awesome Brother" Andrew who lived up to his awesome title and was as nice as could be (he confirmed that he'll be auditioning again next year so keep an eye out for him).

Babbling Brooke Runs Dry

The results are in, America. Is your favorite out?

KLC is in the house. (Methinks she came to try and swipe one of The Diamond's sparkly shirts.)

Ryan is still out of breath...from all the damage control he had to do over Paula-Gate 2008.

Time for an especially crappy group medley of Neil Diamond songs. There were parts of this where I felt like I was watching some horrible talent competition. (Oh wait...) Jason kicks things off with "Cracklin' Rosie" and his voice is a-cracklin' alright. The others sit and sway on the couches like they're fighting traitorous waters on a sinking ship, further inspiring seasickness in those at home. Due to a tricky camera maneuver, I actually thought Archie's too-low register was coming out of Brooke the Tranny for a sec (scary!). Girls do a seat-changing twirl on the couches before getting up to flank Archie with some awkward go-go dancer moves. DC sings, and the hoi polloi doesn't seem to notice that something is wrong with his voice. (Nurse SB prescribes some vocal rest, stat. I'll even cut down our late night phone convos for the cause. Don't need him getting Daughtry-ed next week.) They segue into "Song Sung Blue" and do the infamous Idol side-step while reading the words off the monitor. And finally, the misery ends with a lil "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" preaching. Hallelujah...it's over.

After the break, Ryan spends an unsettlingly brief amount of time addressing Pauler's gaffe, and still no one apologizes to Jason.

We get a 2 1/2 minute recap of the performances, and The Diamond calls the contestants "tops."

Contestants are huddled backstage awaiting their fate, and J-Cast is called out first and sent to safety. While many of my fellow posters seem to think this was the least they could do, it totally killed any suspense over who was going home. I also think it might have been a strategic maneuver on the production's part to give the Dreadheads a false sense of security in order to push Syesha into the top three.

Archie is safe. Judging by her outfit, Mama A is ready to celebrate with some serious salsa dancing after the show. (Either that, or she wants to audition to be one of The Diamond's back up singers). Seriously, could Archie's parents BE any more oddly matched?

Ryan announces that next week's theme is songs that helped shape and inspire rock 'n roll according to the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Before you get too excited, I checked the list, and it really isn't as good as it sounds.

We get an extended SYTYCD preview. Question: Is this just footage from previous seasons, or is Sex really back for more?

Time to announce the winner of the Coca-Cola Cup-Designing Contest. OMG! That's almost as exciting as the notoriously bad American Songwriter Contest. Congratulations guy who won, your parents must be so proud!

More results. Cookie survives The Curse of Going Second on Top Five Week, and it looks like his mom borrowed some of his black nailpolish. (Oh crap, my future MIL is edgier than I am.)

Brooke & Syesha are called center stage. Notice that they are never officially declared the bottom two. Because there's still a good half hour to kill, they are temporarily sent to the couches. Brooke says, "We'll stay as long as we can." Aw!

Natasha Bedingfield performs "Pocket Full of Sunshine" in a horrible Brooke-esque outfit. I like Natasha, but the whole thing pretty much blows. She then gets cuddly with Archie on the couches. Creepy.

Oh God, we still have the "live" call-in segment to get through, and this time the contestants get no love, as all of the questions are directed to the judges table:

-10-year old Michael from Landcaster wants to know why Paula always gives everyone a break. It's because she's the Anti-Simon, Mikey. Everyone's got a role in this thing.

-Miranda from Louisiana wants to know if Paula plans to do another wind-blowing music video with Randy. Simon crosses his fingers, and Paula says she plans to keep on Dancing Like There's No Tomorrow.

-Tara Miller wants to know if Simon remembers their kiss in his garden when he was nine, or if locking lips with Paula has erased that memory. Simon remembers her, and asks if she still looks cute. Ryan wants to know if kissing Simon is really as good as his fantasies.

Hybrid Ford Video to the tune of "Catch the Wind" in which the Idols transform a run-down part of town into...a run-down part of town with some trees and less smog and trash. This might have been a good one for Earth Day last week, geniuses.

Neil Diamond forgoes a sparkly shirt with fringe in favor of a Johnny Cash Man in Black outfit instead. This disappoints me. He sings "Pretty Amazing Grace" and looks to have aged 15 years since he mentored the contestants on Saturday. I suddenly have a horrible vision of D-Cook as a wrinkly old man rocker.

After over 45 million votes, we say goodbye to Brooke who has to choke through tears to reprise "I Am, I Said." Oh boy. At least hubby can cut his hair now.

It Was the Vest.

Un-freaking-believable.

MJ doomed himself by wearing a black vest on performance night, and Carly saved herself by wearing a grey one tonight.

The Idol InVESTigators have been following this story for awhile now.

Michael's only crime was thinking he was above the black vest of doom.

And of course being made to go first.

Oh, and letting those feral cats emerge from his throat on Tuesday.

Okay, and being mediocre until two weeks ago.

Nevertheless, I am sick to my stomach over his elimination.

There will be no recap tonight my friends. In fact, I don't expect to write one at all.

Results: With Extra Cheese

These results shows are just getting more and more unbearable...and it has nothing to do with having to say goodbye to a contestant. Join me, will you, as I lead us through the latest drawn-out elimination (aka an hour-long preview of what hell is like).

Over 30 million votes were received this week, which is the most so far this season. Former contestants Amy Davis (for the second night in a row), David Hernandez and Danny Noriega are in the audience, but no one seems to care.

Say hi to the top 10, show love to the judges and don't forget to submit your song to the songwriting contest.

Time for what just might be the cheesiest group song in the history of group songs, upon where the top 10 run out on stage to camp it up with "Right Back Where We Started From." Their dancing is extra goofy, however the prize for MOST goofy would have to go to Jason. You know that first time you run into your ex after the breakup and you study them to see how well they're taking it and how good they look? Well, after publicly ending things with Jason the night before, of course he had to decide to get back at me by dressing hot for once. Sigh. Still, my favorite (only) part of this trainwreck was when D-Cook and MJ bumped chests, because at least it was funny.

We get an ad for IGB during the commercial break, and then a thinly-veiled ad for iTunes as they roll footage of the top 10 recording their studio versions of this weeks songs. Next it's recap footage from the night before whereupon we are reminded of Brooke's re-start to her song and some other stuff I couldn't be bothered to jot down.

This week's elimination process is exactly the same as last week -- comfy sofas on one end of the stage, ridiculously uncomfortable b-3 stools on the other, trot the contestants out one by one to learn their fate.

First up is Cheesy, and he's banished to the not fun side of the stage. Then we have Brooke in a WTF? outfit - she's safe, but again unsure as to where exactly she should sit on the couches. Carly's up next, and Ryan wisely takes the opportunity to have her clear up the pregnancy rumors. She's not preggers, and she's not in the b-3 either.

After the break we are subjected to one of the lamest Ford commercials ev-ah. After a LOOOOONG shot of an electric blue Ford Focus, the contestants individually appear Harry Potter style on shirts and CD covers, singing "I Want you to Want Me." It is reminiscent of the billboard video in season 5, but not nearly as good. My guess is that with Easter they didn't have time to do a "real" shoot.

Back to the results. Archie = SAFE. D-Cook = SAFE (oh and Chris Cornell called to say he loved it, BTW - take that haters!) Syesha = B-3 again, sorry. MJ = SAFE.

Time for the latest call-in segment, whereupon Ryan continues to ask Simon questions and ignore half of the contestants. First up is Sarah, who wants to know if Chikezie is single. I'm guessing she's one of the only people who cared to learn the answer, but yes, he is currently "very, very single." Nicole wants to know why Archie chose to sing a song most people had never heard. He already answered this question in the recap footage, but let's hear it again: He is in the minority in that he "loves that song" and it's one of his favorites. Ari wants to know how she can take Seacrest's job. Simon answers, "You don't need a lot of talent." Caitlin wants to know who Brooke would do a duet with. Brooke chooses John Mayer of all people. Vanessa from TX wants to know if Simon considers himself the most attractive person on the show. I think we all know the answer to that one.

Season 2 finalist Kimberley Locke is back to perform her new single "Fall" in a green couture dress which is now being auctioned off for charity and matching eyeshadow. In her lead-in video we learn that she now co-owns a restaurant and has lost 40 pounds. I didn't start watching AI faithfully until season 4, so I've only seen a handful of Kimberley's performances but I can tell you right now...sleepingbeauty is not impressed. Her song is pitchy, her performance stilted, and if she were being judged for real they would have called it "safe." Syesha performed better the night before, and I didn't even really enjoy her number.

Time for IGB plug number 485 out of 976, with multiple shout-outs to Exxon Mobile who is again one of the major sponsors of the event. Last year we raised $76 million (why does Seacrest pronounce "million" like Dr. Evil?) and even though we supposedly already spent $80 million on nets to prevent malaria, somehow there was still money left over to: help with the renovations in New Orleans, put 10,000 kids in Boys & Girls Club programs, provide 120 million meals to hungry people, fund three mobile medical units, provide 21,000 life-saving immunizations, provide books for 13,000 budding readers AND help provide shelter for the victims of the CA fires and TN tornadoes.

And now, your final results. Ramiele is SAFE and it's down to Kristy and Jason. As I predicted, Kristy's pandering to middle-America kept her b-3 free, and it is Castro who makes his maiden voyage to the b-3, but is quickly put out of his misery.

Syesha and Chikezie join hands center stage to learn their fate, and not surprisingly, it is Cheesy who gets the boot. I never truly "got" him but he's a nice guy and I wish him the best. We see his journey video and he reprises "If Only for One Night" complete with the audience-member serenade.

Tune in next week when the top 9 perform songs from the Dolly Parton songbook. That's right--the contestants will NOT be given the usual country theme, but will instead be limited to jingles from Dolly's repertoire. It's been confirmed. I would tell you what I think of this travesty, but there aren't enough hours in the day. After all, I've got to work 9 to 5 just to make a livin'....