More Tears as Four More are Sent Home

The results are in, America. Is your favorite out? :::Cue music:::

After almost 31 million votes (up three million from last week), it's time to find out who didn't make the cut.

But first, say "hi" to the judges - The Dawg's in a paisley shirt, Paula's sporting a Ramiele-esque 'do and a see-through top, and predictably, Simon Scowl is in basic black. Seacrest takes a minute to address something we've all been wondering these past couple weeks - what's with Simon's new half-moose hand gesture? Simon says it's a secret code and basically he'll tell Ryan later...in the bedroom.

Time for the second sucky group song of the season - a medley of 70's hits which include "I Saw the Light," "Heartache," "The Things We do for Love" and "I Feel the Earth Move." Observations made during the group song are as follows:

-Michael looks hot but doesn't sound it

-David C. is wearing a tux print t-shirt like the one Blake wore last year, only it's even more fugly and faded (my great-uncle has one of these, and he's in his 80's)

-J-Cast should not ever wear a vest again (in fact, he shouldn't wear a shirt period)

-Not surprisingly, it's Archuleta who gets the biggest solo

-Kristy actually sounded good this time

-Amanda sucks on this one

-Ramiele (wearing high-waisted jeans) and Asia'h (minus the fake hair) make a Chikezie sandwich ("the McCheesy"?)

-Carrico's headkerchief is back (wonder why...tee hee)

-David H. (gay) and Alaina (jailbait) make for an unlikely duet couple

After the break, it's time to roll the recap tape from guy's night and get to the first cut. Back row is asked to stand and dismissed in this order: Michael - SAFE, Chikezie - SAFE, Castro - Fake-out that made my heart skip a beat, then SAFE. Yeager and Noriega - one of you is SAFE, the other is going home. Drumroll please...Jason, you're out please come to the center of the stage and don't forget to bring your dignity with you. After a boring speech from the Yeagermeister and Simon, Jason gives a very Six Flags performance of "Long Train Runnin' (Without Love)" again, and again, it is not worth watching. Ryan tries to get us to study the front row where the next guy to be ejected should be, but they've all crowded around Yeager to say their "see ya laters" so it's no use.

Next we crush the hopes and dreams of a young lady. After rolling the tape, Seacrest follows the same format: Back row up, Kristy - SAFE, Asia'h - SAFE, Brooke - SAFE, Cruella and Lushington - it's down to you. Alexandrea gets the axe and decides to shoot the messenger - she physically shrugs Ryan's arm off of her and calls him a freak. Oh-kay. Archuleta cries because he's known her since their Star Search days and in an interesting twist it's SHE who comforts HIM. But not until after she's bored us with "If You Leave Me Now" again, which is example #162 of a song that foreshadowed a contestant's departure.

Then it's time to lose another girl, this time from the front row. Carly - SAFE, Ramiele - SAFE, Syesha - SAFE. Two interchangeable blondes that remain, please step forward. We're all geared up to say goodbye to Kady Spears when it's Alaina Underwood that gets the boot! (The foreshadowing for this appeared in the video recap when Simon's "dark horse" comment was re-played - Idol editors love it when Simon's wrong.) Alaina shrieks "I CAN'T SING!" in horror and Ry gives her some time to pull it together by deferring to Paula for comment. Noriega cries. Despite worrying that she's "going to sound horrible," the crowd convinces Alaina to sing and the girls crowd around for support. It's shaky at first but in the end Carrie Jr. ends up sounding more composed than when the real Carrie sang her victory song.

Ryan teases us with the promise of "very important Idol news" which can mean anything from "we're cancelling the rest of the season and crowning Archuleta right now" to "the sex tape of Simon and I has just been leaked." It ends up being a slew of things--the top 12 will have a new set, new graphics and new exit song by Ruben, along with the chance to butcher Beatles songs. Also, they're going to start plugging IGB II now, as if the first installment wasn't hyped enough. Appearing at this years event will be Brad Pitt, Hannah Montana, Reece Witherspoon, Snoop Dogg, Daughtry, Mariah and Carrie Underwood. We are then forced to sit through ANOTHER commercial break which means we endured the last one only for a promo within the show. Sigh.

Time to make the final cut of the night. The front row of guys is asked to stand and predictably, it's Luke and Robbie who are called out with a goodbye to the fake rocker. The other Fallen Idols are trotted out to to watch their Idol Journey video, and Robbie reprises "Hot Blooded." Carly cries, and Jessi of So You Think You Can Dance is spotted in the red room clapping for Robbie who apparently used to be her dance partner. Also, for someone who claims he can't dance, David Hernandez sure does a lot of it.

* * *

I am officially 5 and 8 on the predictions. How'd you rate?

The First Cut is the...Easiest

As the camera pans across our Top 24 at the start of the first Elimination show of the season, it's apparent that there's a definite theme going on: All of the guys are dressed in suits and the girls are in black and white 60's garb. After the intro, Ryan announces that they received about 28 million votes, which isn't much considering that it was divided among 24 contestants, and further bucks the claim that this is the "BEST. SEASON. EVER!"

After a video depicting the top 24's paparazzi-style photoshoot to the tune of Daughtry's "What About Now?" the contestants perform a medley of songs from the 60's. First up are the guys with a little "Needles and Pins" and "Everytime You Walk in the Room." They finish the latter just as, well, the girls walk in the room (didn't see that one coming!) Girls sing "Spanish Harlem," Birthday girl Alaina Whitaker gets a one-line solo (and one of the ugliest outfits), and one of the girls (not sure who) messes up at the end of the song. Then things get very Hairspray as the collective lot perform "Bend Me, Shake Me" with two of the three "rockers" getting to shout about "the power." It ends of course, with a big cheesy jazz-hands finish. :::jazz hands:::

At elimination time, the guys sweat it out the stage while the girls sit in the area formerly known as The Dawg Pound (whatever happened to that, anyway?) Ryan says they're just going to have a little chat and pretends to choose one of the guys at random. Garrett Haley is called to the center of the stage and is told in the most rapid-fire manner in recent memory, "it's-over-you-suck-good-bye-now-sing." HARSH! Poor Garrett doesn't know what hit him. He reprises "Breaking up is Hard to Do" from Tuesday night and it is oh-so apropos as essentially, America is breaking up with him. I was somewhat surprised to see Garrett cut first, as I expected America to get behind him when Simon gave him the worst tongue-lashing of the night. Also, there were at least four guys who sang far worse than he did. My advice to Garrett is to work on his craft and to look into doing character voice-overs, because he'd be mad good at it.

The contestants play musical chairs during the commercial break, as it's now the girl's turn to face the axe. Kristy is called out and nervously makes her way center stage but everyone sitting at home knows it can't be that easy, after all, we still have approximately 40 minutes to kill. She is deemed SAFE, and as expected, it's Amy Davis who's being sent home. Poor girl is shaking like a leaf as she again sings "Where the Boys Are," only this time it sounds worse. I am reminded of Becky O'Donahue, who had the same fate both on Idol and in Maxim magazine. No advice needed, as I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Amy...in the centerfolds.

Before the break, Seacrest teases (warns) us that "when we return, we'll see Paula shake what Mama Abdul gave her." Paula looks surprised at this announcement, which can only mean one thing...it's a video, not a live performance. (Of course it's a video, can you imagine the field day Simon would have if it weren't? I think Paula would be the next person sent home.) At 47, Ms. Abdul is older than my mom who has been a grandma for seven years. But that didn't stop Paula from recording a dance track called "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow" that isn't even good enough to be on Britney's album (and is a bona fide earworm, much to my chagrin). Like Britney, there is very minimal dancing by the artist and a lot by the "back up" dancers. I will say this much--I was a fan of Paula in the 90's and she looked d*mn hot in that black lace cougar dress. After the video ends Seacrest approaches the judges table with an electric fan to recreate Paula's windblown look depicted in the video.

Rocker Nurse and Joanne face the firing squad and it's last hired, second fired, as Joanne is given her walking papers. I wouldn't have minded giving the plus-sized beauty another chance if she hadn't made my ears bleed the night before. She sings "Say A Little Prayer" and (thank God) this time it's much better--too bad they made her wear a mumu. My advice to big J is to see if she can mainstream her plus-sized creations, and of course....never give up on your dreams.

After the break, the boys are once again in the hotseat and it's Chikeze and Colton that are summoned by The Metrosexual One to learn their fate. I was glad to see Chikeze there after his cheeseball performance, but surprised about Colton if only because I was convinced it would be either Luke Menard or Jason Yeager. Unfortunately, it's Chikeze who's sent back to safety. The rest of the fallen Idols are called back to the stage to watch their Idol Journey Video, which features Garrett giving mommy a kiss on the lips (whoa!) and Colton being a lot more OUT than he was ever shown being on the show. C-Train revives "Suspicious Minds" which can now officially be deemed one of the kiss of death songs, future Idol hopefuls be warned. My advice to Colton is to follow in the footsteps of Anthony Federov and pursue a career on the stage.

Lots of tears are shed by several of the remaining 20, but among those who remain smug are Michael Johns, who is twice shown having to tear himself away from mugging the camera Maroulis-style. (Tone it down, dude.)

* * *

Tune in Tuesday, when the remaining 10 guys will perform whatever crappy theme they are given.