How Many Ballads Does it Take to Make a Mariah Night?

The Great Amanda Overmyer once said, "Ballads are boring, man."

Unfortunately, our Super Seven don't seem to agree.

Welcome to Snoozapalooza, aka Mari-UGH night.

I am pleased to report that the producers had mercy on our dress rehearsal audience and gave us a free pass on the dreaded hand-wave for which I am forever grateful as my arms would have surely fallen off after 6 1/2 ballads.

Here is both my behind-the-scenes account of my experience at the rehearsal along with my performance reviews:

The seats were filled with choir members of Debbie the Stage Manager's daughter, who apparently come every year. My 17-year old cousin and I were front row stage left, about a foot from the mark the contestants stand on during judging.

Paula's usual sit-in had a sit-in who at one point had a sit-in. The main substitute for the night worked very hard to come up with Paula-isms, saying that Archie was like "when cotton candy hits your tongue," Kristy was like "hot chocolate...voice rich and smooth and warm" and Jason was like "the fresh feeling after it rains."

We filmed the contestant line-up package for the results show first, which is always awkward for everyone involved. DC was chatting with Carly throughout and said "We've got to figure out this 'David' thing...(I don't want people saying) No, the other one!" Kristy was running through her lyrics quietly, Archie and Jason kept shyly thanking their screaming fans, Syesha danced and mimicked Ryan a bit and Brooke had to go get her body mic adjusted and come back.

Archie took the stage to perform "When You Believe" and turned in a solid vocal, better and less breathy than the one shown on TV. We were laughing at his whole giddy "I'm not worthy" video clip which probably made him more nervous. When he was done the teenyboppers in front reached up to try and touch him and he whispered, "I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not allowed" which of course made me wonder if it was a new AI rule or Papa A's. After seeing everyone but Jason make a point not to reach down I've come to the conclusion that it's an attempt to cut down on germs since this season has been battling more sicknesses than any other. (As for why Jason did it, I think he just forgot...he slapped a few hands before his performance, said "I'll get the rest after the show" and then didn't.)

In both Carly's and Brooke's rehearsal interviews they were instead asked what it was like to meet Mariah and both gushed about how sweet and nice and pretty she is. Yawn. We knew from spoilers that Carly would be singing "Without You" and were looking forward to it. She nailed it in rehearsal and it was actually my favorite performance of the ones I saw in person. It's too bad things fell apart during the live show.

Syesha looked great in her gold dress. She seemed like she was holding back a little in rehearsal (trying to "save" her voice) and I don't think the song "Vanishing" particularly did her any favors, but it could be because I expected more from her than the others seeing as how it's DIVA week and all. Methinks Syesha might be vanishing from the lineup come results time. Oh, and I'm pretty sure we passed her parents on the way out of the studio.

So Brooke's cardboard cutout stand-in for her sister's wedding didn't become a reality, huh? You'd think AI would have one lying around that could have been donated to the cause. I cringed a little when I heard she'd be singing "Hero" because I consider it one of the best in the Mariah songbook. She tried, but the best part about this for me was her sparkly lounge singer dress. She kept her shoes on during rehearsal and then said she had wanted to kick one off but didn't have time. I again saw she and Carly's husbands on the way out (this time they were talking to each other).

Much to both my amazement and chagrin, Kristy's rendition of "Forever" in rehearsal was amazing, and my second fave behind Carly. Then she went all pitchy on TV, and it wasn't nearly as good.

Rumor has it that my faux-boyfriend is cheating on me with Lacey Schwimmer of SYTYCD, but he tried to make it up to me with a flurry of gestures for all to see from across the room. He was making fish-faces into the camera for his practice "coming up next" clip up on the rafters and when he finished he turned and saw me waving to him. He pointed at me in a "hey you!" fashion, waved, smiled, and made a funny face causing my cousin (who is not easily impressed, mind you) to exclaim, "OH MY GOD! HE TOTALLY MADE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU!" To which I coolly replied, "Yeah, I always get at least a wave" and then became the envy of everyone in my section. Anyway, D-Cook put a spin on "Always Be My Baby" that I don't think anyone saw coming and I appreciated the fact that he was the only one to put a beat behind at least half of his half-song. His tears during the live performance brought me to tears, as it was truly heartwarming to see his terminally ill brother in the audience (and a relief that there was no sign of The Other Woman).

Some girls in the rehearsal audience started asking Jason interview type questions before his performance of "I Don't Wanna Cry" like "How old are you?" and "Did you ever take singing lessons?" As most of us already know, he's 21, but as for the second question he said: "No...not really. Well, I took some last summer. But only like four. I just wanted to see if I was doing the right stuff...and I was. Except for breathing. I never do that right." He did some vocal warm ups and then turned in a pretty flat performance. I was distracted by his old beat up white dress shoes paired with striped blue and grey socks--so random.

* * *

B-3 prediction: Syesha, Carly and Brooke with Sy on the fly.

So, which David do you think will be given the dubious task of choosing the "bottom three" group as all top vote-getters during top 7 week have done before him? My money's on Cookie.

Mariah will be performing her new single "Bye Bye" on the results show and Elliott Yamin is also scheduled to perform but his song choice has not been revealed.

Song Suggestions: Mariah Carey Theme

Next week the top 7 will be singing Mariah Carey songs according to FOX's official press release. There was a rumor that the contestants would be limited to Mariah #1's, however Carly's song choice has leaked and it confirms that, a) they are NOT limited to her #1's, and b) as with Dolly week, they can do songs Mariah merely covered.

And yes, American Idol is personifying hypocrisy by choosing this theme when contestants are always told not to attempt to cover Mariah, Whitney and Celine.

I can tell you right now that the b-3 will contain our weakest vocalists: Kristy, Brooke, and Jason with *fingers-crossed* She-Cook getting the boot since there's no way in hell Mimi will allow her to countrify one of her songs.

Here are my song suggestions:

Carly: Since we already know what Carly's singing and I agree that it's a good choice for her, I won't suggest anything else, and I'll post her spoiler in the comments section.

He-Cook: The Word Nerds have come to a general consensus that our boy should sing "My All" however I do not concur. Fortunately Mariah covered Journey's "Open Arms" so I'm going with that.

She-Cook: I'm suggesting "Fantasy," my strategy being that we don't want to hear Kristy attempt a diva ballad and she doesn't do as well with upbeat songs so it's a win-win.

Archie: I expect something along the lines of "Hero" or "Open Arms" but find "I Don't Wanna Cry" well-suited to him and am therefore going with that.

Diva Wannabe: Talk about a silver platter. Syesha could do ANYTHING in the Mariah songbook and be safe. Because I don't want to hear another diva ballad I'm suggesting the more current and upbeat R&B stuff like "We Belong Together" and "Don't Forget About Us."

Castro: Oh Jason, I'm sorry. Think you could swing an acoustic version of "Hero"? That's the best I could come up with.

Brooke: "Music Box" works for me. Good luck!

As for our recently ousted Aussie who belonged in the top 7, AI's gift to you is that you will not have to sing a Mariah song. (Although I'm told he was going to go with something bluesy.)

What would you like to hear? What wouldn't you like to hear? And how many diva "moments" do you think Mimi will have on the show? I'm guessing at least six...

Inspiring the Uninspired

Ahh...inspiration. The word translates thusly: "A prompting, esp. to creative action, that arises within the mind; an illumination; breathing." I took the liberty of checking, and all eight finalists are indeed breathing (D-Cook got mouth-to-mouth), although most are still weary of the whole moving while singing thing.

A quick glance around the house reveals the following: Lacey Schwimmer! Sinbad! Will sans Grace! Taylor Swift! Luke Menard! Amy Davis! Yep, no one too high up on the celebrity food chain.

Here are my performance reviews in order of appearance:

Michael "Livin' the Dream" Johns

"Dream On" by Aerosmith

Performance Review: Michael again dons a neckerchief (who does he think he is, Hef?), parks it in front of the mic stand and sings a rock song. I was totally diggin' it (me hearts Aerosmith) until the end when a group of angry feral cats jumped out of his throat (otherwise known as "the high note"). MJ doomed himself by wearing the unlucky black vest instead of the lucky grey one (for more on this, check out The Brotherhood of the Traveling Idol Vest).

What this performance inspired me to do: Head bang a little...then shriek in terror along with the cats.

Syesha "Don't Stop Believin'" Mercado

"I Believe" by Fantasia

Interview: We get a Rami update. Because no one particularly cares to learn more about Syesha. (Sorry Sistah, I tell it like it is).

Performance Review: Our resident wannabe-diva decides to follow in the misguided footsteps of Miss LaKisha Jones and sing Fantasia's coronation song, which is wrong on so many levels. As I have mentioned previously, I am not a fan of Fantasia, however the emotional connection she has with that song cannot be beat. Syesha's vocal was not bad (with the exception of forced runs and an iffy high note), however she should be eliminated purely on principle.

What this performance inspired me to do: Shake my head in frustration, and briefly ponder if Syesha has sticks for brains.

Jason "Dreams Come True" Castro

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (the Hawaiian dude version)

Performance Review: Jason is now not only the first contestant to perform with an instrument, but the first to bust out a friggin' ukulele. I get what he was trying to do and think he sang it well, but the whole thing came off as a bit fruit loopy for me (the lame screensaver didn't help). I refuse to compare this to Katharine's shining moment in season 5, because it's just not comparable. And I think the extra heaping of praise from Jackson was an attempt to keep the Dreadheads from rioting after his shocking comment on Larry King (he said he wouldn't sign Jason but would sign KLC!).

What this performance inspired me to do: Crave something more manly (and a bigger instrument). *wink*

Kristy "Do it Anyway" Lee Cook

"Anyway" by Martina McBride

Performance Review: The Queen of the Sparkly Tank Tops took on a song by one of country music's best. Aside from some pitch problems this was easily her best performance. But I still didn't enjoy it.

What this performance inspired me to do: Scowl. A lot. And check to make sure my socks were still on. Yep.

David "We Are All Innocent" Cook

"Innocent" by Our Lady Peace

Performance Review: Even before learning this was the song he'd selected to sing (back when I was compiling my list of song suggestions) I decided Simon would call it "self-indulgent" (which is one of the reasons why I didn't suggest it). But David decided to cut the first verse ("Oh Johnny wishes he was famous/Spends his time alone in the basement") and so Simon instead went with the word "pompous." Definitely not his best, but I expect that the full-length studio recording will be a million times better.

What this performance inspired me to do: Vote like hell to try and keep him b-3 free. And swoon a little.

Carly "Life Must Go On" Smithson

"Show Must Go On" by Queen

Performance Review: This was pitchy and uneven. I loves me some Queen, and she butchered it. Looks like Carly borrowed one of Freddie's leotards. And Cleopatra's jewelry. Not an improvement, Simon.

What this performance inspired me to do: Have Gina Glocksen flashbacks. "Edgy" rocker chick who REALLY REALLY wanted it but was eliminated around this time last year...

David "Light at the End of the Tunnel" Archuleta

"Angels" by Robbie Williams

Interview: Archie practices early in the morning and late at night. Sorry neighbors!

Performance Review: He sang about old people again. What's up with that? This was mushy gaspy goodness, but still not my cup 'o tea (after all, sleepingbeauty lives on The Dark Side).

What this performance inspired me to do: Contemplate the possibility that David Archuleta is actually a 76-year old man trapped in a 17-year old's body.

Brooke "Feel Good" White

"You've Got a Friend" by Carole King

Performance Review: Girl looked good, but I think she's trying too hard. It's obvious that she belonged behind the piano but didn't want to be pigeonholed, and that she made an effort not to dance again. The song was sleepy and a wee bit depressing for those of us who do not have friends who can and will drop everything to come running.

What this performance inspired me to do: Yawn. And cringe a little.

* * *

B-3 Prediction: Syesha, Carly, and Johns, with the wannabe diva getting the axe.

Inspirational Song Suggestions

Next week the top 8 will sing Inspirational Songs as part of the Idol Gives Back extravaganza. Performances will air live on Tues, pre-taped footage of the charity stuff will air Wed, and someone will go home live on Thurs.

Here are my song suggestions:

Carly: "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan - I'm not convinced she could do it justice, but she's the only remaining girl who stands a chance to. It might be interesting to see MJ or DC give it a shot though... As for why this song qualifies as "inspirational" I don't know, but I did find it on an Inspirational Song CD last year when looking for suggestions, and it's one of my fave songs so I will suggest it every chance I get.

Kristy: Any chance she won't do "Amazing Grace"? How about some "God Bless the Broken Road" or "I Hope You Dance" instead. Either way, her time is up.

Brooke: I say she do "I'll Stand By You" with the piano, although she won't be able to escape the Carrie comparisons. A fitting but less challenging and dynamic song choice for her would be "Hands" by Jewel.

Syesha: Normally I don't like to suggest diva songs but anything's preferable to Whitney at this point so it's "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera for her.

Archie: "You Raise Me Up" is an obvious choice, but I've also seen him do a killer version of Vanessa Carleton's "1000 Miles" with the piano.

Michael: Elvis' "If I Can Dream" or Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'"

Jason: "Stand by Me" by Ben E. King or "Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys

D-Cook: My most favorite song of all time... "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls. It didn't spring to mind as being inspirational but I've seen a lot of other people suggesting it so why not.

I would also be down to hear pretty much any U2 by the guys but am told that getting the rights is an issue even with Bono being part of IGB.

And just for fun, let's see what TMZ is cheekily suggesting the top 8 sing:

David Archuleta: "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna

Kristy Lee Cook: "Don't Speak" by No Doubt

Michael Johns: "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" by Rolf Harris

Brooke White: "Crybaby" by Mariah Carey

David Cook: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

Jason Castro: "I Am Not My Hair" by India.Arie

Carly Smithson: "I've Got You Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra

Syesha Mercado: "Don't Forget About Us" by Mariah Carey

Time to Say Goodbye to Malubay

I apologize for the lateness of this recap -- I had to tape the show in order to go play mentor to a cast of struggling actors who are performing the same play I starred in five years ago. And unlike Dolly P, I didn't just smile and blow smoke. I actually think I may have offended some of them, but the truth hurts.

Onto your results...

Exactly 26 hours after I left the studio feeling faint, someone in the pit actually DID pass out. According to a source from People magazine, the young woman fainted when there was only 90 seconds til air and Carly, Ramiele and Kristy all rushed over. The audience member was taken care of and the contestants back in their seats in time for the broadcast.

Ryan opens the show, tells us a little of what's to come and intros the judges. Then the top 9 take the stage to perform "9 to 5" (what'd I tell ya?). This time they each get a solo part. Interestingly enough, those who end up in the bottom three are the first to sing. The videotape I have is old and warbly (yes I know it's time for TiVo) which makes them all sound awful. DC rubs butts with both MJ and Rami (what a man whore! *wink*) Archie is starting to look like a real boy (is that man cleavage I see in those tight jeans?) Carly climbs up on the judges table to sass Simon, while D-Cook sings to Pauler. It of course ends with big "ta-da!" hands.

Commercials (I do believe we got Coke-Ford-AT&T), then roll tape of performance footage. Again, the b-3 to come are all shown in a row, this time in the middle of the lot.

Begin results process. Same concept as the previous two weeks: Couches are comfy, stools are not, let's trot 'em out one by one to see how they rate. First up is MJ, who just may be the only person on the planet to make a Dolly Parton T-shirt look sexy. He's SAFE. So is Archie. Then comes Carly. Seacrest toys with her a little, saying she's no stranger to the b-3, then tells her she can join the boys on the couch.

Time for (insert sarcastic voice here) everyone's favorite Caller Questions segment! 13-year old Haley wants to know what Syesha misses most about home (didn't she already answer this previously?) The answer of course is the obvious "hanging out with friends and family." Robert, who is also 13, asks D-Cook if he could succeed at any talent what would it be? This question was already posed to the contestants in their weekly online Q&A but DC chooses to spice things up with a different answer this time: Although it's not quite a talent, he'd like to be more organized and less of a slob. Roomie Jason's reaction is priceless--he nods and says "YEAH!" Then Jay turns to Michael and they agree that as DC's roomies, they can attest to his slobiness, and David apologizes to them both. It's okay David, when we live together we'll hire a maid (or a team of them if necessary--I don't like to clean either). Next, 26-year old sleepingbeauty of Los Angeles wants to know why so many 13-year olds get to ask questions that have already been asked. Actually a guy named Bill who shares my age and city asks Randy who he'd like to work with. The Dawg diplomatically answers the winner of Idol this year, which could be a boy or a girl. A mystery caller known as "Line 9" due to the fact that they put line 8's info on the screen instead poses a question to Michael Johns or David Cook. Kristy jokingly lolls her head on Carly's shoulder and they laugh about being so unpopular with the callers. The mystery callers question is: "What song will you be singing on the tour?" The guys joke about "Islands in the Stream" with DC doing the Dolly part, but the official answer is that they aren't planning that far ahead. And lastly, 52-year old Mary of Saugus, CA (a city I lived in for 10 years as a matter of fact) wants to know why Simon feels it's necessary to apologize after every critique. Apparently she doesn't realize that his "sorry's" are sarcastic, and he vows never to say it again.

The Clark Brothers, winner's of the Next Great American Band are up next with "This Little Light of Mine," a song I can honestly say I never expected to see performed on Idol. It's a funky country version, they jam on unidentifiable instruments, and at one point it looks like the vocalist's head is going to explode. That's all I have to say about that.

After the break we see the Ford Commercial which consists of the top 9 playing a pick up b-ball game to the tune of "It's Tricky" (one of my favorite songs on the "Can't Hardly Wait" soundtrack). There are a lot of slam dunks, some cheering, Archie plays referee and...that's about it. Boo on you, Ford. This was the perfect opportunity to feature a shirtless Jason and you blew it!

Back to your results. Ryan turns to Carly on the couch to ask if she's still miffed by Simon's slam about her wardrobe (ironically she's wearing an ugly YELLOW top this time). She points out that he still hasn't apologized, and apparently never will after what he said during the call-ins. DC is called out center stage to learn his fate, but first, we get a health update. Yes, he does have high blood pressure and he did go to the hospital but the whole thing was "blown way out of proportion." (Family members say he NEVER collapsed). Anyway, he's safe. Next up is Ramiele, looking even more dwarf-y in boots and a long T-shirt. Not surprisingly, she is the first person sent to the stools. Then it's Kristy's turn in the spotlight, and she's brought a slip of paper which reads "Kristy's seat" because she knows where she's headed (someone needs to school that girl on the Law of Attraction, but preferably not until she's sent home next week). Sources say Kristy gave away her little paper to someone in the audience. My question is--who would want it? Paula is consulted on what she thinks of Rami and Kristy being in the bottom three and says she thinks they both had "good nights."

Time to catch up with a few of our former Idol contestants who are currently living in Nashville. First up is Bucky Covington, who I'm told got a divorce since his time on the show in season 5. He says AI is one of the "smartest thing I've ever did" (LOL) and that he currently has two singles out. Then Phil Stacey gets to plug his upcoming album and his wife shows off her new hairdo. Bo Bice has been busy since he lost to Carrie Underwood in season 4--he endured multiple surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio, started a record label, cut two albums and had a son. He very diplomatically explains why his new album "See the Light" is nothing like "The Real Thing" (aka the piece of crap album AI produced). Ryan explains that we will be tracking down more former contestants in the coming weeks. Oooh...is anyone else dying to find out what's been going on with Kevin Covias? How about Haley Scarnat-ho? Melissa McGhee? Didn't think so.

Let's fill that third stool....Syesha is trotted out and asked if she found covering IWALY to be a daunting task. She hems and haws over her answer, and it's obvious that no, she thinks she's the next Whitney and would love for people to start agreeing with her. She's safe. Which leaves Jason and Brooke, who travel arm-in-arm to center stage. Ry asks blondie how she thought she did after watching the tape back, and Brooke responds that she hasn't had a chance to watch yet, but wants Simon to apologize to the violinist. Si takes the opportunity to break his earlier promise and apologize to everyone in the room. Brooke is...not safe, and Jason heads to the couch. Simon is asked what he thinks of the b-3 (which I predicted correctly BTW) and he says he agrees with it. Then he explains he was only trying to help Carly with the fashion comment (tell her not to wear yellow, I say!) and Randy interjects with a, "Because the show's about fashion, not singing, right?" Good one, Jackson.

This week's IGB plug focuses on two homeless sisters in Ethiopia who were separated for months but have since been reunited and given a place to stay thanks to the IGB street team, who never stop working for you. Carly cries openly, and MJ passes DC a tissue. Aw.

Next, Dolly Parton performs her new single "Jesus and Gravity" in a white sparkly outfit only Dolly could pull off. I like the concept of the song in theory (if Pauler were singing it'd go, "I've got stimulants lifting me up, I've got booze holding me down...") but between all the Jesus talk, the philanthropy, Brooke's soon-to-come mini-sermon, and the full-on choir I feel the need to go watch an R-rated movie or something.

FINALLY we get our less-than-shocking results. Jackson calls it, Simon says "it won't be Brooke," Brooke gives her mini-sermon and is sent back to safety. (Sources say she was practically hyperventilating up there and even Nigel came on stage to comfort her.) After the vote, it's Kristy whose sent to safety, and the shot of the open-mouthed Malubays is PRICELESS. They are utterly shocked, and Rami is utterly crushed...not only by the let-down but by Kristy's chest as they hug.

We see her Idol journey video, all the girls line up behind her in support as she reprises "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind" and the boys eventually join in for a group hug. Goodbye our teary little Ramiele, we love your voice and all-around cuteness. Keep working on your wardrobe and stage presence between now and the tour and we'll come see ya, deal?

Here's the official scoop on next week's Idol Gives Back extravaganza:

The actual charity event will be filmed on Sunday, April 6th at the Kodak Theater (tickets for the event were sold instead of given away). Ellen DeGeneres will no longer be co-hosting the event due to scheduling conflicts, so Seacrest is on his own.

The top 8 will perform Inspirational Songs live the following Tuesday from 8-9 and (unless the sponsors aren't as generous as last year) your votes will not only determine their fate but will generate donation money.

The pre-taped footage from the charity event will air Wednesday from 7:30-10 and feature appearances and performances by a slew of celebs like Brad Pitt, Mariah Carey, Snoop Dogg and Miley Cyrus. Mariah was originally scheduled to perform a duet with the late Marvin Gaye in the same style as last year's Celine Dion/Elvis performance, but that act has been cut.

Then one contestant will be eliminated on the results show at a special day and time (Thursday from 8-9) with a performance of "No Air" by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown.

What's Dolly Night Without A Little 9 to 5?

Dolly Parton night made me sick. Literally. And (surprisingly) it had nothing to do with the music. Instead I blame a combination of lack of sleep, empty stomach, strep throat and being on my feet for four hours straight. Which is what I endured against my better judgement in order to be part of the dress rehearsal audience. The same foolish and misguided combination got the best of me at a Daughtry concert where I started seeing stars and almost passed out in the middle the show. So it's fortunate that I wasn't invited to stay for the live taping this time because the minute I left the studio I was hit with a wicked headache and overwhelming nausea that still plagues me even after a nap, Advil, and two meals.

This time we filmed the results show lineup footage at the start of the rehearsal instead of at the end of the live taping. They made us clap and cheer for a good three minutes which as you can imagine, is pretty ridiculous. The only thing that got me through it was that David Cook (a.k.a. my imaginary boyfriend) was on the end closest to me.

Ryan's whole April Fool's "joke" (did anyone think it was actually funny?) was not part of the rehearsal. Instead they showed him on the screen in the hair and makeup room with the contestants clustered around him.

Though I am not a Dolly Parton fan (as evidenced by my song suggestion post) I have newfound respect for her after learning that she's penned over 3,000 songs. However, based on the footage shown of her working with the contestants, I'm not sure she actually contributed anything but Paula-esque happy sunshine and rainbows blather. Still, it was cute to see some of the contestants starstruck and nervous to be meeting and performing in front of their first celebrity mentor of the season.

Brooke's up first with "Jolene." In rehearsal she started playing at the start of her video clip on accident. The same thing happened to Jason the last time I was there (top 12 week) and I can see why--when it's announced that they're "counting down to Brooke" it does seem like it would be her cue. Anyway, the performance was breathy and it seemed like she was rushing to stay on top of the music. I think this explains why Brooke shines when she sings the really slow-paced stuff. While it worked to a degree it was not one of her best, and I do think there's a very real possibility that she'll be making her maiden voyage to the dreaded b3 when next we meet. B-

D-Cook finally got some chat time with Ry, and it couldn't have worked out better since I was in the second row right in front of the chat stools. I got another solo wave from him when he and Ramiele were up on the rafters practicing their "coming up next" clip. Then when he came down for the interview portion he was swiveling around waiting for Ryan and asked if he was in the right place. He saw a "David" sign and asked, "Is that for me or Archuleta? Either way it's cool." Then they called him to the center of the stage to check the adjustment of the mic stand, during which time Ryan grabbed a 6-year old from the audience and deemed her David's sit-in. On his way back over to the stools David (who seemed more nervous this time) panicked for a sec and exclaimed, "My ear fell out!" A stagehand quickly retrieved his earpiece from the back of his neck and everyone laughed. Then he went and stood behind his chair, which was still occupied by the little girl who Ryan interviewed instead asking her what inspired David Cook to wear a dress today and if she would be performing as a boy or girl. David laughed but I'm not sure he was actually amused. Anyway, the live interview was of course different and they took the time to clear up the cover of a cover controversy and hopefully shut Doxology up once and for all. One thing he didn't mention was that "Hello" was actually Incubus's arrangement, but 3 outta 4 admissions ain't bad. This time he chose to do his own arrangement of "Little Sparrow" and I didn't care for it as much as I'd hoped. I liked that he did an acoustic song but there was just too much upper register/falsetto for me for it. He looked good though. Not sure if you could see this on screen but his cufflinks were rhinestone (diamond?) skull and crossbones. A-

Ramiele was up next with "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind." I was glad to see her do something somewhat upbeat but once again she failed to really deliver, opting to do the Idol side-step and wear a school marm jumper. Vocally I don't think it was bad but she can never seem to get all of the elements in place at once which is unfortunate because I like her. And I felt Simon's ten years comment was generous--I couldn't remember what she sang 10 minutes later. I do believe it's time to say goodbye to Malubay--which might not be so bad since she and Jason are starting to morph into the same person (she quoted him tonight when she said she was "kinda freaking out"). C

Speaking of Jason, the audience was surprised when he and Carly came on stage from the back of the room during rehearsal. Now I see that it's because they randomly chose to film their "coming up next" clip there. For their pretend interview Ryan asked him what it was like to meet Dolly and complimented him on his snazzy brown snakeskin boots. I found it funny that the live "interview" consisted of the interviewee not talking which was convenient since he hates doing interviews. And someone needs to remind Ryan that it's a federal offense to read someone else's mail...especially before they get a chance to (this is why I'm leery of sending postcards). Dolly called Jason "kinda funky lookin'" which I found insulting considering the source's lack of natural body parts. Jason picks "Travelin' Thru" and I do believe he's trying to win me back. The song suited him perfectly, his vocal was solid and I actually got chills during the "God made me for a reason" line when I saw it in person. He was singing out of the side of his mouth a lot though, but I noticed that he toned it down for the live show. A-

Carly was up next with an excellent rendition of "Here You Come Again" which Dolly didn't actually write. I thought it was the perfect song choice and was surprised by the slightest country lilt in her voice that made it even better. She was a bit raspy on a few of the notes but other than that I enjoyed it. I notice that she doesn't seem to have as much audience support as most of the others, which I think could result in a b3 visit as soon as next week. For what it's worth the fake Randy (sit-in during the rehearsal) said something about her having strep the past two weeks. And although Carly made an effort to smile, it seems her husband is incapable of it. I walked right past him (he's kinda hard to miss) as well as Brooke's hubby on the way out. A

I saw Archie's dad in the audience this time - he was sitting up in the back with David's potential prom date and he had his arms crossed the entire time. I don't know about you, but if my kid were performing on the most popular show in America--even just rehearsing for it--I would show a little more enthusiasm while they were up there, even if I'd seen it a million times. There was a 21-year old fangirl in my section who brought a "David A. I Love You, Will You Marry Me?" sign as well as a folder with 8X10's of the contestants and a sharpie, so when he and Kristy plopped down on the stairs in front of us to rehearse their cutaway clip I watched her reaction which was pure frozen giggily starstruck-ness. I mentally willed her to snap out of it and make the most of the opportunity to get her stuff signed but it was not meant to be. Archie sang "Smoky Mountain Memories" and other than being a bit breathy in the beginning I thought it was his best vocal since "Imagine," although I think he sang it better in rehearsal. There is actually an online petition to get him to stop wearing beige but I think the color suits him perfectly. And I wouldn't say that a song that talks about snowflakes, old folks, and Jesus qualifies as a great song choice for a 17-year old, Simon. A-

Our resident country girl then took the stage with "Coat of Many Colors" which I had assumed had something to do with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat but apparently is a true story from Dolly's past. Kristy looked amazing in a long flowy dress with barefeet which reminded me of LeAnn Rimes again. The song itself was probably her best but it was not a performance that will be talked about around the watercoolers today. B+

Was ANYONE surprised that Syesha chose to do the Whitney version of "I Will Always Love You"? Anyone at all? Didn't think so. I'm told that perching atop the piano diva-style is an Idol first. Vocally this was very strong and she held some notes impressively long but there was a bit of awkward phrasing thrown in. What bugged me the most was the weird red lighting dotted with white spots that made the stage look like it had a scary rash. Syesha looked almost teary during rehearsal but a kid named Trevor made her smile by randomly giving her his Bob Marley ring. They had her practice getting down off the piano (not an easy task in a dress mind you) which is probably when they decided she should ditch the shoes she was originally wearing. And I'd tell you what I thought of her dress but I'm guessing you already know. Sleepingbeauty is not a fan of yellow. A-

Michael closed the show with a smokin' soulful rendition of "It's All Wrong But it's All Right." He's proven that he's back in this two weeks in a row and I'm (finally!) starting to remember why I liked him originally. I'm sure the Aussie Posse has got the "sexy lovin' lies" part on repeat, because that was undeniably hot. A

At the end of the rehearsal they rolled the recap from last week including Chikezie's part, which earned some "awww!"'s. Then Nigel came on stage and called an Idol huddle round the piano. No idea what they were talking about (April fools pranks?), but it lasted for a few minutes and D-Cook's eyes were a sparklin'.

Anyone else think the sudden burst of onstage accompaniments is an attempt to hide the fact that these kids can't seem to sing and work the stage at the same time? I mean, on a night where Ramiele had the most movement you know somethings wrong.

As for the absence of "9 to 5" I'm told that's the song Chikezie would have picked if he'd made it another round, and you can bet your booty that it'll be part of the Dollywood group medley.

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B-3 prediction: Ramiele, Kristy and Brooke with Rami out the door.

Made in the 80's (For the Most Part)

Before we get to the recap, I'd like to take a minute to mention a couple of things...

Season 7 seems to be the year of contestants who can sing but can't necessarily perform/work the stage. Also, more than anything, it seems to be the year of consistency, as the performers seem to stay in their zone week after week:

Jason consistently sticks with mellow songs.

D-Cook consistently chooses to do someone else's cover (and rocks it).

Archie consistently licks his lips and does the passionate singers hand gesture.

Carly consistently rocks out (even though she claims not to be a rock singer).

Etc, etc.

In the past, very few contestants seemed to have stuck with their niche wholeheartedly, week after week, opting not to experiment with guyliner, songs out of their element or simply "giving the audience/judges what they want." Bo Bice was one of them, and he was great until after Idol when they stuck him with an album full of crappy pop tracks that were so not him.

So if things are starting to get a little boring, it's because we already know the score before tuning in -- Brooke will slow down a classic, Michael will park it at the mic stand, Ramiele will do a ballad. I appreciate the fact that the contestants are staying true to themselves, but at the same time I think it's hurting the overall entertainment value of the show. Now if we could just get them to learn how to PERFORM and WORK THE STAGE things would be different, but apparently, singing while walking down stairs is like walking and chewing gum at the same time. At least it is if you're part of, "The. Most. Talented. Season. Ever!" I never thought I'd say this, but there are actually people who could learn something from a Miss Kellie Pickler.

And on that *alarming* note, I digress...

The top 10 perform songs from the year they were born, which means it's 80's week again with two exceptions. I was made in the (early) 80's, how 'bout you?

It seems that after every commercial break AI chooses to further pimp itself or its sponsors--Drink Coke! Watch "'Til Death!" Download iTunes! Enter the Songwriting Contest! Get an iPhone! If I were to do that throughout my post it would look like this: Visit www.hannahshandprints.com! Go Vegetarian! Listen to David Cook's pre-Idol stuff! Vote for my blog! Don't eat at KFC! Whew. Pimpin' ain't easy, ya'll. And it sure ain't very rewarding...unless your name is Nigel.

Ramiele's video package reveals that she used to be a biter, and would steal the mic from whoever had it. Also, Mommy Malubay is still the cutest thing ever. Ramiele's up first with :::gasp::: Heart's "Alone" (aka Carrie Underwood's powerhouse song from season 4 and one of my all-time favorites). I was not impressed with Carly's version of this in H-Wood week, and was nervous for Rami when I heard she'd be doing this, especially since she was going first. Ramiele lost her voice recently, but I thought she sang it very well and would not have noticed if they hadn't mentioned it. The beginning is shaky and one of the backup singers was literally shrieking, but overall it is better than expected. Also, her outfit is an improvement over the usual awful Ramielewear ("snaps for the wardrobe dept!"). B+

It's Jason Castro's 21st birthday, but no one can seem to be bothered to utter a mere "happy b-day" (at least not on camera--I hear the crowd sang to him at rehearsal) let alone grant him time on the chat stools or let him close the show. Sporting the hint of a 'stache (ew!) and another bad outfit, Jay sings Sting's "Fragile." By popular request, he throws in some Spanish, but seems to make even more funny faces when he sings that than he does in French or English. Oh Jason, I'm sorry to have to say this, but you have officially lost me. Things have been rocky between us for the last couple of weeks (seeing as how I've kinda-sorta been interested in another guy and all), and it's come time to say goodbye. Don't worry, things would never have worked out between us--according to astrology.com we have a compatibility rating of NEGATIVE ONE PERCENT (I'm still trying to figure out how that is mathematically possible, but whatevs). For the record, I would have attended your b-day bash had I been invited (even though it would have been kinda awkward with my new man there and all--but more on that later). Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I still love you, I'm just not IN love with you. C-

Syesha used to be a crybaby. She sings Stephanie Mills' "If I Were Your Woman." It's good, but not the super-hot breakout performance the judges try to make it out to be. I prefer her performance on the last day of H-Wood week. A-

Somehow, Chikezie manages to score his second interview with Ry in three weeks, while others like D-Cook and Ramiele have yet to grab a stool. Chi was a Sept. 11th baby and as he mentioned before, grew up listening to Nigerian music. He chooses to slow things down with Luther Vandross's "If Only for One Night" and it's obvious that the reason the judges don't like when he does ballads is because he turns them into a total Cheesefest. He actually resorts to grabbing the hand of an audience member to sing to her (shame on the production assistant who forgot to remind the audience to take off their wristbands!) His voice is smooth like butter but I just can't get on the C-Train...which I predict will soon be leaving the station headed for home (in Cheesy's case: The 'Hood). C+

Brooke has three siblings and a hot mom, and she learned to play the piano by ear. She opts to sing "Every Breath You Take" by the Police (aka "The Stalker Song") while accompanying herself on piano. She half-starts and then starts over again, which is one of the most obvious errors in Idol history. The beginning of the song is slow, mellow, and lovely, and then the band kicks in and it's not as good or centered. I'm told she had to do this twice in rehearsal because the band messed up. And someone please tell me why Brooke's hands have been replaced with those of an 80-year old woman. I agree with Randy and Simon on this one--she should have kept it pure and simple the whole way through like she did with "Let it Be." B+

Michael is very competitive and he and his sister used to exchange "I'm too good for you" looks. He gives us "two Queen songs for the price of one": "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions." It would seem that Michael can only rock Queen songs, which is an odd thing to say since Freddie Mercury is such an untouchable legend, but so far MJ has only truly shined when he's covered them. And I do mean shined--those stage lights were so bright I was pained and would imagine that those in the audience are still seeing spots. Anyway, The Aussie is back and ready for action. A-

:::Breaking news::: Rumor has it that Carly Smithson is preggers. (At the very least, it explains the last-minute bathroom break before her performance.) Carly was the only contestant to go with one of my song suggestions this week--Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Unfortunately she didn't perform as well as I expected, but it was still pretty good. At one point it looked like she was humping the air and she sounded raspy at the end. B+

Archie talks with Ry about prom, and then we see him dance with his older sister in his video. David defies my hope of "Ice, Ice Baby" and sings "You're the Voice" instead. The whole thing is very 1990, which is the whole idea but still bothers me for some reason. While it is "good in parts" (to quote Simon) and he hits some impressive notes, his voice also cracks at one point. C

Kristy's family used to beg her to please stop singing, and now it's America's job. Kristy channels LeeAnn Rimes to sing Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" and it...doesn't suck. It is certainly 100% better than the YOUtube video of her singing this previously. It was also nice to see her with an AMERICAN flag behind her this time instead of a Confederate one. I was saddled with the perfect quote for this performance (monkey in Madagascar saying, "If you have any poo, fling it now!") and am shocked that I won't be able to use it. Mark my words: Kristy will not hit the b-3 this week. A-

For those of you just tuning in, David Cook is my new boyfriend. Actually I'm more of a Billie Jean to him (minus the paternity thing), but that's okay, he...will...be...mine. He sings Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." (To everyone who wants to bash him for "ripping off" the arrangement: Ryan clearly announced this as the "Chris Cornell version," so shut it.) This performance elevated him to a place no man has gone before...ABOVE Archuleta in the Dial Idol rankings (no. 1 baby!) One of the top two performances of the night, and I'm telling you, if you haven't checked out his pre-Idol stuff yet, you're sorely missing out. David is totally holding back, and is only going to continue to kick ass. A

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B-3 will be: Chikezie, Ramiele and Jason...with Cheesy out the door.

Song Suggestions: Songs from Year of Birth

Next week's theme has been confirmed by a FOX press release. The top 10 will be singing songs from the year they were born, which basically means it's 80's week again with two exceptions. Coincidentally, they're performing this on Jason Castro's (21st!) birthday. Expect astrological sign info in the contestant videos, 'cuz that's what they did last time.

Here are my suggestions:

Michael (1978): Will Michael resist the urge to sing Queen again? Should he? A quick glance at the list of 1978 hits reveals that MJ could handle pretty much anything on the list (save for the Bee Gees stuff), so his challenge will be picking something memorable that he can connect with. I'm suggesting "Come Sail Away" by STYX or The Commodores "Three Times A Lady."

D-Cook (1982): My top choices are "Hurts so Good" by John Mellencamp, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Jenny (867-5309)." However (as random as it sounds) I think if he wants to slow things down he could slay Willie Nelson's "Always on My Mind" the way he did "Hello."

Brooke (1983): "Back on the Chain Gang" by The Pretenders or The Carpenters' "Rainy Days and Mondays." I'm hoping she doesn't do Stevie Nicks, 'cuz me no likey Stevie Nicks.

Carly (1983): Carly's going to be back with a vengeance after landing in the b-3, and Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" would make for a stellar comeback. Otherwise, "Making Love out of Nothing at All" by Air Supply.

Kristy (1984): Back away from the Cyndi Lauper, Kristy. I freakin' hate Dolly Parton's "Islands in the Stream," which is part of the reason it would be a fitting choice. I could also see her doing a solo version of "Almost Paradise."

Chikezie (1985): "I Feel for You" (Chaka Khan) or "Suddenly" (Billy Ocean).

Jason (1987): U2's "With or Without You" (yes I know it's a stretch vocally), Ben E. King's "Stand by Me" (ahhh...Josiah...) or Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red." In that order.

Ramiele (1987): I know Rami's going to want the safety of a ballad this week, but none of them jump out at me so instead I'm suggesting Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth."

Syesha (1987): While "You Keep Me Hangin' On" is a bit ironic, it's really the only song on the list that suits her, especially compared to my previous suggestion of "Funky Town."

Archuleta (1990): If Archie does MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice or the Humpty Dance I swear I will vote for him. But since that will never happen I am forced to recommend a song I don't agree with a 17-year old singing, by an artist I despise: Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You." Oddly enough, I can actually hear him doing "Black Velvet" and doing it well, although it might be too damn edgy for the lil puppy.

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What are your thoughts and suggestions?

This Time I Can't Let it Be

So, Beatles the Redux just might be the worst performance night in the history of Idol. What in the name of John Lennon happened? I advise you to run and take cover, because my snark gun is fully loaded and things are definitely going to get ugly...

Seacrest is sporting Something About Mary bangs and too much rouge. He announces that we're "back with the Beatles" again this week and that there are 500 people in the audience who are "ready to party." Thankfully, I got to go last week when most of the contestants were actually good.

The top 11 is then awkwardly ushered in pageant-style down the two sets of stairs only to be sent backstage again. All three judges are present and accounted for. Roll tape of Beatles (and enjoy the pleasant singing while it lasts). This week's contestant question is: What is Your Most Memorable Moment on Idol? Anyone else think they could have saved this one until a little later in the season, say when they had more than 4 weeks of moments to choose from?

Amanda's most memorable moment was performing on the big stage for the first time last week, because she's used to rocking out in the back of a flatbed truck. She decides to ignore the more fitting choice of "Helter Skelter" and "throw some black eyeliner" on "Back in the U.S.S.R." She looks like drunken White Trash Britney and sounds even worse. And I'm starting to worry that my daughter might be tone-deaf, because she has declared Amanda her new favorite (sorry Brooke) and deemed this her favorite performance of the night. D

Kristy can't seem to forget being on the bubble more times than not, a place she will soon find herself once again. She joins Ryan on the chat chairs and brings her photo albums, because a picture is worth 1,000 words. She chooses to sing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" based on the title, because she's a freak who somehow managed to go 24 years without ever hearing the song. She, like Archuleta, seems to think America has amnesia and tries to fool us by saying, "I'm kinda new to this whole Beatles thing" after claiming to have listened to them while growing up only seven moons ago. Kristy wears a ugly dress she borrowed from Pauler's closet and pairs it with some black cowgirl boots to remind us that she's the country girl. Her singing is flat, monotonous and her "performance" even worse. Simon suggests hypnosis (huh?) and Kristy vows that she can blow his socks off. While my mind immediately plummets into the gutter (courtesy of Simon's giant grin), Hannah exclaims, "No--but she can make someone run out of the room!" (Perhaps her hearing is okay after all...) D+

Archuleta's most memorable moments are his highs and lows of Beatles--hitting a home run with "Imagine" and then forgetting the words to "We Can Work it Out." His performance of "The Long and Winding Road" falls somewhere in between. But while the Arch Angels swooned and sighed in relief--poor David will only get a couple of lashings from Papa A. this time, not a full beating--I found the whole thing to be safe, boring and predictable. On top of that, the pitch and tone of his voice did not please my ear (Hannah agrees with "too squeaky"), and it is just not a believable song for a sheltered 17-year old virgin. C+

Mikey Kangaroo wants to remind us of his killer performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody" during H-Wood week, because it's the only reason some of us are still voting for him. Although he and other's have already proven it's possible to take a long-story song and turn it into an Idol hit with BR, "A Day in the Life" proves to be more of a challenge...for MJ. Me, I could have done a better arrangement (and I have zero experience with that sort of thing), but I know enough to know that featuring a long interlude of "ah-ah-ah-ah's" when you're pressed for time is moronic. The beginning of the song showed mad potential--he actually sounded exactly like the original--and then the train quickly derailed, crashed and burned. Had he figured out a decent arrangement this could have been a success, as his voice is well-suited to the song. Paula tries to make excuses for the Aussie, explaining the difficulties of getting used to an earpiece, only Michael isn't wearing one. D+

Sunshine tells us that she got to have some family time this past weekend and meet her 5-week old niece. Her most memorable moment was last week's emotional performance of "Let it Be," which the producers wouldn't let her sing again. Instead she sings "Here Comes the Sun" and not since Jordin's rendition of "Livin' on a Prayer" has one of my song suggestions backfired so badly. I neglected to take into account the fact that it has about three notes, and just saw it as something with Brooke's name written all over it. (For the record, my first choice for her was the similarly-titled "I'll Follow the Sun" which I believe would have been much better.) Her performance is altogether awkward and lackluster, and I am distracted by the bangs in her eyes and Katharine McPhee banana dress. Brooke actually interrupts Simon's rant to say that it's okay if he bags on her. C-

D-Cook's most memorable moment was when he first laid eyes on me last Tuesday (I believe the word he used was "euphoric"). He listened to me and went with "Day Tripper" and wisely credited the arrangement to Whitesnake, after being accused of ripping off other band's arrangements two weeks in a row. He learned how to use a voice box yesterday and rocked it in front of 30 million people today, because that's how he rolls. This was my favorite performance of the night by a f'n mile. And for those of you who aren't in the know, the orange wristband he wore two weeks running is in support of 7-year old Lindsay Rose who has leukemia and is the daughter of a reporter who recently interviewed him. A

After the break we get to hear a bit of Simon-inspired Paula blather regarding sparrows and oil. Carly is up next with "Blackbird" and is still reveling in Simon's Kelly Clarkson comparison comments. "Blackbird" is one of my favorite ballads, and Carly took a chainsaw to it and hacked it to bits. Her upper register (which is even more prominent in her studio recordings) is completely absent due to the fact that the entire song is done in too low of a key. She then goes on to talk about broken wings (which makes me think of the horrors that go on behind the scenes at KFC - again, please do not eat there). D+

Castro is most happy with his groundbreaking performance of "Hallelujah" even though he admits he botched the final note. He makes me scream in horror by choosing "Michelle" which just so happens to be the Beatles song Sanjaya said he would have picked and one of my least favorites. Seriously, tell me that "ME-shell, my Belle" is not one of the corniest lyrics ever. Just try. Jason learned a little French for this, and the first line he does in French is kinda hot (Dreadheads have been hoping for a lil Spanish at some point during the competition, so I'm sure they're over the moon with FRENCH). Just when I began thanking the heavens that at least he wasn't be-bopping around the stage--he began to be-bop around the stage. Jason's alleged secret girlfriend can be seen in the audience, although she was named after a different song (which Jason could sing should they do a Barry Manilow theme.) And I can't hold my tongue regarding his wardrobe choices any longer, as they are only getting worse (too much time with Malubay, I'd wager). D

Syesha says hi to her family, who is in the audience for the first time. She hasn't forgotten her recent visit to the b-3, which she's hoping will prove to be the kick in the pants she needed to step up her game. She chooses to sing the most covered song in history "Scrambled Eggs"--sorry, "Yesterday" while sporting watermelon earrings and a Nadia Turner-style dress (with ample cleavage I don't think any of us realized she had). She shows some emotion and it sounds pretty good, at least compared to the vast amount of suckage that came before her. Oh and girl, don't ever straighten your hair again. B

Apparently last week's victory lap wasn't Chikezie's first--he did the same thing during H-Wood week. The Cheez opts to dress normal for once and sing "I've Just Seen a Face." The beginning has a nice, mellow R&B vibe and for a minute I'm thinking of Usher and enjoying it. Then he suddenly whips out a harmonica and dips into a wack folksy bluegrass style again. I'm starting to wonder if the boy might be schizo. Had he kept the R&B style the whole way thorough this could have been an A, but as it stands it's a C+.

Lullaby's unforgettable moments are the ones she's had with her fellow contestants, who she's "stuck with...in a good way." She's shown with "Mama Brooke" and "Big Brother" David C., but curiously there is no mention of Castro, who is believed to be her closest friend since Danny's departure, and possibly even more than friends. Predictably, she goes with an uptempo song to counteract last week's sleeper--"I Should Have Known Better." With the exception of some impressive notes here and there, this is total karaoke and not a closer. Rami needs coaching on how to work the stage and don't get me started on her complete lack of fashion sense. C+

Bottom three prediction: Amanda, Kristy and either Chikezie or Michael.