This Time I Can't Let it Be

So, Beatles the Redux just might be the worst performance night in the history of Idol. What in the name of John Lennon happened? I advise you to run and take cover, because my snark gun is fully loaded and things are definitely going to get ugly...

Seacrest is sporting Something About Mary bangs and too much rouge. He announces that we're "back with the Beatles" again this week and that there are 500 people in the audience who are "ready to party." Thankfully, I got to go last week when most of the contestants were actually good.

The top 11 is then awkwardly ushered in pageant-style down the two sets of stairs only to be sent backstage again. All three judges are present and accounted for. Roll tape of Beatles (and enjoy the pleasant singing while it lasts). This week's contestant question is: What is Your Most Memorable Moment on Idol? Anyone else think they could have saved this one until a little later in the season, say when they had more than 4 weeks of moments to choose from?

Amanda's most memorable moment was performing on the big stage for the first time last week, because she's used to rocking out in the back of a flatbed truck. She decides to ignore the more fitting choice of "Helter Skelter" and "throw some black eyeliner" on "Back in the U.S.S.R." She looks like drunken White Trash Britney and sounds even worse. And I'm starting to worry that my daughter might be tone-deaf, because she has declared Amanda her new favorite (sorry Brooke) and deemed this her favorite performance of the night. D

Kristy can't seem to forget being on the bubble more times than not, a place she will soon find herself once again. She joins Ryan on the chat chairs and brings her photo albums, because a picture is worth 1,000 words. She chooses to sing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" based on the title, because she's a freak who somehow managed to go 24 years without ever hearing the song. She, like Archuleta, seems to think America has amnesia and tries to fool us by saying, "I'm kinda new to this whole Beatles thing" after claiming to have listened to them while growing up only seven moons ago. Kristy wears a ugly dress she borrowed from Pauler's closet and pairs it with some black cowgirl boots to remind us that she's the country girl. Her singing is flat, monotonous and her "performance" even worse. Simon suggests hypnosis (huh?) and Kristy vows that she can blow his socks off. While my mind immediately plummets into the gutter (courtesy of Simon's giant grin), Hannah exclaims, "No--but she can make someone run out of the room!" (Perhaps her hearing is okay after all...) D+

Archuleta's most memorable moments are his highs and lows of Beatles--hitting a home run with "Imagine" and then forgetting the words to "We Can Work it Out." His performance of "The Long and Winding Road" falls somewhere in between. But while the Arch Angels swooned and sighed in relief--poor David will only get a couple of lashings from Papa A. this time, not a full beating--I found the whole thing to be safe, boring and predictable. On top of that, the pitch and tone of his voice did not please my ear (Hannah agrees with "too squeaky"), and it is just not a believable song for a sheltered 17-year old virgin. C+

Mikey Kangaroo wants to remind us of his killer performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody" during H-Wood week, because it's the only reason some of us are still voting for him. Although he and other's have already proven it's possible to take a long-story song and turn it into an Idol hit with BR, "A Day in the Life" proves to be more of a challenge...for MJ. Me, I could have done a better arrangement (and I have zero experience with that sort of thing), but I know enough to know that featuring a long interlude of "ah-ah-ah-ah's" when you're pressed for time is moronic. The beginning of the song showed mad potential--he actually sounded exactly like the original--and then the train quickly derailed, crashed and burned. Had he figured out a decent arrangement this could have been a success, as his voice is well-suited to the song. Paula tries to make excuses for the Aussie, explaining the difficulties of getting used to an earpiece, only Michael isn't wearing one. D+

Sunshine tells us that she got to have some family time this past weekend and meet her 5-week old niece. Her most memorable moment was last week's emotional performance of "Let it Be," which the producers wouldn't let her sing again. Instead she sings "Here Comes the Sun" and not since Jordin's rendition of "Livin' on a Prayer" has one of my song suggestions backfired so badly. I neglected to take into account the fact that it has about three notes, and just saw it as something with Brooke's name written all over it. (For the record, my first choice for her was the similarly-titled "I'll Follow the Sun" which I believe would have been much better.) Her performance is altogether awkward and lackluster, and I am distracted by the bangs in her eyes and Katharine McPhee banana dress. Brooke actually interrupts Simon's rant to say that it's okay if he bags on her. C-

D-Cook's most memorable moment was when he first laid eyes on me last Tuesday (I believe the word he used was "euphoric"). He listened to me and went with "Day Tripper" and wisely credited the arrangement to Whitesnake, after being accused of ripping off other band's arrangements two weeks in a row. He learned how to use a voice box yesterday and rocked it in front of 30 million people today, because that's how he rolls. This was my favorite performance of the night by a f'n mile. And for those of you who aren't in the know, the orange wristband he wore two weeks running is in support of 7-year old Lindsay Rose who has leukemia and is the daughter of a reporter who recently interviewed him. A

After the break we get to hear a bit of Simon-inspired Paula blather regarding sparrows and oil. Carly is up next with "Blackbird" and is still reveling in Simon's Kelly Clarkson comparison comments. "Blackbird" is one of my favorite ballads, and Carly took a chainsaw to it and hacked it to bits. Her upper register (which is even more prominent in her studio recordings) is completely absent due to the fact that the entire song is done in too low of a key. She then goes on to talk about broken wings (which makes me think of the horrors that go on behind the scenes at KFC - again, please do not eat there). D+

Castro is most happy with his groundbreaking performance of "Hallelujah" even though he admits he botched the final note. He makes me scream in horror by choosing "Michelle" which just so happens to be the Beatles song Sanjaya said he would have picked and one of my least favorites. Seriously, tell me that "ME-shell, my Belle" is not one of the corniest lyrics ever. Just try. Jason learned a little French for this, and the first line he does in French is kinda hot (Dreadheads have been hoping for a lil Spanish at some point during the competition, so I'm sure they're over the moon with FRENCH). Just when I began thanking the heavens that at least he wasn't be-bopping around the stage--he began to be-bop around the stage. Jason's alleged secret girlfriend can be seen in the audience, although she was named after a different song (which Jason could sing should they do a Barry Manilow theme.) And I can't hold my tongue regarding his wardrobe choices any longer, as they are only getting worse (too much time with Malubay, I'd wager). D

Syesha says hi to her family, who is in the audience for the first time. She hasn't forgotten her recent visit to the b-3, which she's hoping will prove to be the kick in the pants she needed to step up her game. She chooses to sing the most covered song in history "Scrambled Eggs"--sorry, "Yesterday" while sporting watermelon earrings and a Nadia Turner-style dress (with ample cleavage I don't think any of us realized she had). She shows some emotion and it sounds pretty good, at least compared to the vast amount of suckage that came before her. Oh and girl, don't ever straighten your hair again. B

Apparently last week's victory lap wasn't Chikezie's first--he did the same thing during H-Wood week. The Cheez opts to dress normal for once and sing "I've Just Seen a Face." The beginning has a nice, mellow R&B vibe and for a minute I'm thinking of Usher and enjoying it. Then he suddenly whips out a harmonica and dips into a wack folksy bluegrass style again. I'm starting to wonder if the boy might be schizo. Had he kept the R&B style the whole way thorough this could have been an A, but as it stands it's a C+.

Lullaby's unforgettable moments are the ones she's had with her fellow contestants, who she's "stuck with...in a good way." She's shown with "Mama Brooke" and "Big Brother" David C., but curiously there is no mention of Castro, who is believed to be her closest friend since Danny's departure, and possibly even more than friends. Predictably, she goes with an uptempo song to counteract last week's sleeper--"I Should Have Known Better." With the exception of some impressive notes here and there, this is total karaoke and not a closer. Rami needs coaching on how to work the stage and don't get me started on her complete lack of fashion sense. C+

Bottom three prediction: Amanda, Kristy and either Chikezie or Michael.