Thursday, February 28, 2008

Ladies Night, Feelin' Right, Soundin'...Wrong

Despite feeling better this week, all but two of the top 10 girls performed worse. Let's see how it all went down:

Controversial Carly is up first, and if co-owning a tattoo parlor isn't bad enough for her Americana image, she also reveals that she works at an Irish pub (but we already knew she could "pour a perfect pint"). Ah, the American dream...and just the type of person every parent wants their kid to look up to. Carly then tries to play Suzie Homemaker, but it's too late - we've seen her husband. Dressed in all black save for a brown belt (fashion faux pas #1 of the evening--#2 if you count Ryan's buttoned up shirt tucked into pants), Carly sings her "most favorite song ever" - "Crazy on You" by Heart and it's much better than when she sang "Alone" during H-wood week. Girl's got one heck of a bouncy rack and her hair and makeup look great, but she makes Kristy Lee Cook Crazy Eyes at us and the middle of the song can best be described as controlled screaming. She's literally panting at the end of her half-song, and the judges (thankfully) call her on it. Song was more fitting for me for her, but not show-stoppingly memorable. A

Syesha Smirkado highlights her days as a bad commercial actress hawking Ford (conveniently an official AI sponsor) and KFC (evil empire - do NOT eat there). Oh, and she can also do a wicked baby cry. Syesha dresses the part of 70's disco diva and changes the lyrics of "Me and Mrs. Jones" to be gender-appropriate (although I'm starting to wonder if she plays for the other team). The performance is pretty uninspiring and she basically coasts through the song until the big goat-vibrato finish. The whole thing leaves me feeling a little icky, but she was definitely not the worst. C+

Anorexic Barbie is a beauty school dropout who cuts her husband's hair. Riveting! Brooke chooses to sing (who else) Carly Simon, and turns out a pretty decent version of "You're So Vain" that's unofficially dedicated to our own Simon. She becomes the first female contestant to ever perform an instrument during competition, although she doesn't play for an entire verse. I liked her throwback 70's outfit, and props to the hair & makeup department, but I still find her voice reedy and her lower register (dare I say?) yucky. However, I think my 7-year old daughter wants Brooke to be her nanny as she had nothing but praise for the girl. A--

Waterworks Malubay gets time on the couch with Ry, and talks about those crocodile tears we saw at last week's results show. Then in her lead-in video we find that she has something in common with Sanjaya--they both like to hula dance. Ramiele again dresses like she's on her way to study group instead of performing in front of America (with the same damn belt even) and sings Thelma Houston's "Don't Leave Me This Way." Even a bad karaoke song can't disguise the fact that Ramiele has an amazing voice, but the judges advise her to forget about her pending nickname (Lullaby instead of Malubay) and stick with singer's songs. I advise her to get some wardrobe help, stat. B+

Kristy Lee Crazy Eyes wants America to know that she's a tomboy who still can't walk in heels (as if the work boots didn't tip us off). She opts to sing Linda Rohnstadt's "You're No Good" despite the fact that it's a perfect set-up. She tries to be soulful but it's altogether boring and monotonous, save for the constipated dancing squats she throws in. Kristy's hideous outfit reminds me of the costumes I had to wear when playing an alien-obsessed chick who wanted to be abducted (only mine were better). Kristy also makes the mistake of eating a cherry icee before the show and sporting red-tipped acrylics (ew). Resident hotties Michael Johns and Jason Castro are spotted trading secrets during the performance. B-

Amanda Hairmyer opens up about being a bookworm and her quest for knowledge (you go girl!) Then, in a 'do not rivaled since the ponyhawk, Amanda emerges with hair that's a cross between Cruella DeVil and Peggy Bundy, along with matching pants. Perhaps it would have been more appropriate had she sang the "stop and stare," song, but instead she chose "Wayward Son" by Kansas. Unlike Smirkado, Amanda didn't change the pronouns and basically sang about being a man. Despite some wicked dance moves during the interlude, this was a crash-and-burn performance that turned her into Vote for the Worst's new poster child. D

Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Alaina Underwood, who has OCD when it comes to her food not touching each other. Come on Alaina, I'm sure you've got something more interesting than THAT - your OCD video wasn't even snarkingly interesting the way Melinda Doolittle's was (remember "If I touch something cold with one hand...") Jr. Underwood then sings one of the sappiest songs of all time, Olivia Newton John's "Hopelessly Devoted to You" and I can almost feel myself getting a cavity. She's shrieky on the high notes, Simon calls it a pageant-performance (pretty much), and she should have saved the electric blue dress for next week's 80's night (although the shoes were just wrong no matter what the theme: never listen to a black man in cowboy boots). C

Alexandrea Underdog reminisces about her time as the poster child for her dad's fire department (didn't know they had those) and the time she sang at Ground Zero. She then butchers Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now" in a hip hop outfit paired with ankle boots (WTF?) and a necklace in the shape of the HP logo. She looks uncomfortable and the whole thing is wack. D

Kady Spears has a hidden talent that can actually be called relevant and interesting--she can sing opera well. Unfortunately, that's the only thing she does well this week as her performance of Heart's "Magic Man" leaves something to be desired. The low throbbing beat of the song seems to spell impending doom, and Kady's blouse was missing a bedazzled rock. D+

Asia'h Pepperson surprises no one when she reveals that she used to be a cheerleader, and no one seems to notice that she grew six inches of hair in a week. Seriously, the extensions and the secretary outfit did nothing but try to extinguish her peppy image, and if she keeps wearing ginormous earrings she's going to develop saggy earlobes. Asia'h takes on Celine's "All by Myself" and gets a standing O from the guys, but IMO nothing beats the Bridget Jones lipsynching version. B

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I'm predicting Alexandrea and Kady will get the axe tonight, however I wouldn't be surprised if Kristy Lee and/or Amanda found themselves on the chopping block instead. Thoughts?

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