Michael Johns sings with The Dan Band

Huzzuh!

To clarify, THIS is what the funny, pointy "hey you" look I received in rehearsal looked like:

...and I told you his boots were huge.

Can I get a "what-what"?

It Was the Vest.

Un-freaking-believable.

MJ doomed himself by wearing a black vest on performance night, and Carly saved herself by wearing a grey one tonight.

The Idol InVESTigators have been following this story for awhile now.

Michael's only crime was thinking he was above the black vest of doom.

And of course being made to go first.

Oh, and letting those feral cats emerge from his throat on Tuesday.

Okay, and being mediocre until two weeks ago.

Nevertheless, I am sick to my stomach over his elimination.

There will be no recap tonight my friends. In fact, I don't expect to write one at all.

Idol Gives Back Extravaganza (Otherwise Known as "The Miley Cyrus Special")

Get ready to open your hearts and your wallets America, because This. Is. Idol. Gives. Back!

The 2 1/2 hour show opens with a performance by approximately 20 of the "So You Think You Can Dance" dancers from all three seasons (Schwimmers! Nick! Travis! Danny! Pasha! Anya! Cedric! Lauren! Dmitry! Hok! Dominic!) who are joined by our top 8 to do Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music." The dancers get more screen time than the singers, who step to the side to repeat "GoStayMamaShopGoStopGoShop" over and over again (no lyrics for that part on Rihanna's official site, so I guessed). Why on earth a song about being naughty and going out to party was chosen to be performed on a charity show focused on helping impoverished children I don't know. I've heard that Nigel and Co. are flirting with the idea of having the SYTYCD crew join the top 10 on the Idols Live! tour this summer. I'd be all for this idea, except it looks like Lacey Schwimmer is trying to move in on my man...

Nascar Champion Jimmy Johnson (never heard of him) wants you to call in to give back. (Midwestern Nascar-loving demographic, check.)

Time for the first commercial break. One of my fellow recappers took the time to count the commercials on Tuesday's one-hour broadcast, which stacked up to a shocking and disturbing 52 ads. Which means that we should see a whopping 130 ads during this charity event.

Funnyman George Lopez makes his plea for pledges en espanol. (Comedy-loving Spanish-speaking demographic, check.)

Kylie Minogue then asks for your help. (Euro-pop demographic, check.)

Maria Shriver, California's First Lady, takes the stage along with over 100 volunteers wearing their corresponding t-shirts to talk about CA volunteer programs. Awesome. Learn how to become one of them at www.californiavolunteers.org (Assuming you live in Cali that is.)

We then get a video of Ben Stiller asking us to try to raise a gogillion dollars and talking about his latest attempt to give back (a failed album of Whitney covers, otherwise known as Syesha's songbook). He introduces a compelling video starring Jennifer Connelly in which dozens of people trudge the streets of NYC carrying plastic jugs to haul dirty water from Central Park back home to drink.

Snoop D-O-Double-G and Charlie Wilson then take the stage to perform "Can't Say Goodbye" with a group of kids. Wilson's hat is sparkly (I really want to see KLC show up to the results show in this hat), and even Snoop's mic has bling. (Gangsta rap demographic, check.)

Kobe Bryant has a huge bandaid on his face (who does he think he is, Nelly?). He wants us not to focus on it, but to instead dial 1-877-IDOL-AID. Sorry, can't stop staring at it. (Lakers fan demographic, check.)

Commercials, then a plea from WWE's Triple H (Who? Whoever he is, he sure needs to practice his teleprompter reading skillz) for calls. (Wrestling demographic, check.)

Pauler and Randy take the stage to talk about how nearly 1/3 of the kids in America are overweight or obese (and to not-so-subtly promote "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow"). They went to Goshen Elementary School to see the Save the Children program in action. I couldn't help but notice that for an area so impoverished, the woman they chose to interview sure had some expensive lookin' highlights.

A clip of Carrie Underwood and Mike from "Desperate Housewives" is shown where he pretends to be fixing the sink in her dressing room. His screen-wife Teri Hatcher catches them in the act and decides to retaliate by stealing Carrie's song. Teri, Mike, Chase from "House" and Shawn from "Felicity" (otherwise known as the Band from TV) then take the stage with "Before He Cheats." WTF? Who knew Chase could play the fiddle? Carrie comes out to congratulate Teri for butchering her song at the end. So horribly random.

Choreographer and SYTYCD judge Mary Murphy vows to "WAHOO!" us til we pick up the phone. Nigel begs us to hurry.

Commercials, then The Jonas Brothers get their turn to encourage calls. (Teenybopper demographic, check.)

Billy Crystal cracks some jokes and invites "Millie Serius" out for a bit where they pretend not to know who each other is.

Miley Cyrus then performs "Good and Broken" and I must say I've never seen a 15-year old girl work a mic stand like that. Go Hannah Montana! (My Hannah hates you because she gets teased for her name but that's okay. I like it that you're not a skank and you aren't afraid to work the stage.)

Donation update (or rather starting point): Sponsors have given over 15 million.

Over in the studio, the top 12 contestants (that's right, 12!) were manning the phones live. Because it would be too much to give them the night off. Actually, this was a brilliant idea that encouraged more donations. Oh to be Amy from MA who got to talk to my faux-boyfriend. If I didn't have a ridiculous phone phobia (I get super nervous when calling anyone, including my own mother) I'd have tried calling him myself. Hannah wanted to talk to Amanda Overmyer and bugged me about it until she fell asleep around nine. And how boring must it have been to be in THAT audience watching the contestants take calls for a couple hours?

Bono went to Africa. We see a video of him talking to a 14-year old orphan who was born HIV-positive. He also speaks to a woman in charge of providing aid to those who have been orphaned because of AIDS and lost all three of her children to the disease.

Commercials, one of which is a celebrity-packed ad for Bono's charity, www.one.org

Julianne Moore wants you to give back. (Redhead-loving demographic, check.)

Fergie takes the stage to sing "Finally" with John Legend accompanying her on piano. Now THIS is an inspirational song. Fergie rocks the vocals and pleather, and finishes with a curtsy. She's Fergalicious.

Next, Heart jams some "Barrracuda." Fergie does a quick change and joins them to provide some sex appeal and some one-handed cartwheels. Loves it.

John Cena (another WWE guy I never heard of) wants you to donate. Commercials, then Adam Sandler and his dog get their turn to beg. (WWE and Comedy-loving demographics, double-check.)

Time to check in with the Idols in the studio. Syesha wants us to call her. Kristy's caller wants Ryan to blow a kiss into the camera. Ryan is squeamish over the idea, seeing as the caller is female.

Eli and Peyton Manning went to their hometown of New Orleans to see how kids are working to rebuild what Katrina took away. (Football-loving demographic, check.)

The Beckhams want us to give back. Man they are a hot couple! (British and soccer-loving demographics, check.)

Donation update: Close to $18 million. Ryan jumps around the stage weaving inbetween the contestants like a madman.

More footage of Bono in Africa with children orphaned by AIDS. One boy holds on to the memory of his parents with a memory box he created.

Annie Lennox went to South Africa to meet with a family of four orphaned brothers whose ages range from 15 to three. She takes them all to get tested for HIV, and fortunately they are all negative. (Didn't know First Response made an HIV test.) Upon returning the family to their home, Annie breaks down in what is probably the most heartwrenching moment of the show.

Annie then takes the stage to perform "Many Rivers to Cross" while accompanying herself on piano. I love that she wore an HIV Positive T-shirt.

Jack Bauer wants us to give back. And watch 24.

Celine Dion went to South Africa to see how some of last year's funds have been spent. Apparently the money was to be donated over a period of two years, so even though we've logically already well surpassed the $76 million raised last year (what with $80 million being spent on malaria nets alone and all), we're not done yet. Explain to me how this is possible, Nigel. SB wants answers.

Jimmy Kimmel has been assigned the task of introducing Simon, but decides to attack his wardrobe, man-boobs, hair and Britishness first. What a tool.

Simon went to NYC to meet with an impoverished and health-challenged family who relies on mobile medical units funded by IGB. There are 50 million children in America who do not have health insurance. Simon takes the stage and gives Kimmel the what for by declaring his love for the Jay Leno show. Go Simie!

Carrie Underwood then performs "Praying for Time." As usual, she looks and sounds great but performs like a fembot.

Whoopi Goldberg wants us to empty our pockets. (Who-doesn't-like-Whoopi demographic, check.)

Ellen DeGeneres, who jokingly refers to herself as Oprah (speaking of which, where IS Oprah?) filmed a clip since she couldn't come back to co-host this year. No declaration of a big donation this year, but we still love her.

Gloria Estefan, Sheila E. and some of the SYTYCD dancers storm the stage with "Get on Your Feet" and it's all very colorful but not-so-good. (Latin demographic, check.)

Sarah Silverman is pretty funny. She pretends to critique Gloria's performance, then intros a video of Forest Whitaker and his wife's journey to Angola. This clip is sponsored by Exxon Mobile in the fight against malaria which can be prevented by $10 mosquito nets and treated with $2 pills.

The Prime Minister of Great Britain then decides to mop the floor with us Americans by donating a whopping $200 MILLION DOLLARS! The total goal for IGB was only $100 million. He has a stipulation though - all the money will go towards malaria nets. Gordon Brown is my new hero. First he shows us all up on our country's broadcast, then he lists his conditions. Long live the Queen!

We're up to $22 million in pledges, not counting Britain's $200 million which brings the total to $222 million. This is the last update we get for the rest of the night, so you'll have to tune into the results show for a more accurate total, though donations will continue to trickle in over the coming weeks.

Keith Urban says call now. (Country music demographic, check.)

Reece Witherspoon went to New Orleans to see how the Children's Defense Fund conducts Freedom School programs.

Back in the studio, the top 8 perform "Seasons of Love" from RENT, so that the studio audience actually gets to see something interesting. It's easily the best contestant song of the night, and the perfect song choice. The only thing that would have made it better is if they had them line the stage with spot lights as they do in the play/film instead of having them gather around the piano. Kinda sucks that they didn't allow the rest of the top 12 to join in since they were there, especially since David Hernandez auditioned for RENT recently. And Brooke was the only one who didn't get a true solo, although she can be heard above the others at the end.

Dane Cook is on hand to introduce a video Alicia Keys made of her journey to Africa with the Keep a Child Alive program. 13 million African children are orphaned, and grandparents are losing their children to AIDS and having to raise their grandchildren who are left behind. A full-length version of the video can be downloaded free from iTunes.

Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens are on set of "High School Musical 3" but made a video to show their support and encourage kids to donate as well.

Miley Cyrus takes the stage again to perform "See You Again" complete with lasers, malfunctioning fog machines and male dancers (can't tell if they're SYTYCD boyz or not). I didn't know that she sang this song (although now I hear her name is actually part of the lyrics, duh!) and I must admit I kinda like it.

We then see a video of Miley and daddy Billy Ray visiting his hometown in the Appalachian Mountains. About 50% of residents live below the poverty line and can't afford books. The Cyrus's spend some time with the Henson family and encourage them to pursue their dreams.

Robin Williams does a bit where he pretends to be the winner of Russian Idol and comes to audition for the judges. He wears a ridiculous outfit (picked up at Elton Johns garage sale) and cracks jokes a million times funnier than Billy Crystal's.

Rob Schneider wants you to call and donate money to IGB, or just give some to him.

Tyra Banks says it's fierce to help people in need (and reminds me that I forgot to tape ANTM. Damn, why couldn't her clip have come earlier in the show?)

David Spade decides to skip being funny and get down to business. He intro's a video of Brad Pitt surveying some of the damage that still remains in New Orleans three years after Hurricane Katrina. 275,000 homes were damaged or destroyed and over 200,000 people remain displaced to this day. Pitt and Bill Clinton are shown working with the Make it Right organization.

The crowd goes wild as Pitt himself takes the stage (anyone else think he looks a bit like a cancer victim in that hat?) Pitt's body mic doesn't work and Debbie the stage manager (go Debbie!) comes out to replace it, saying, "I just needed an excuse to touch him." When I heard this happened I figured they'd edit it and make him re-enter the way they did Reece but I guess they decided to leave it in since it was funny. It's Brad's job to introduce a video of Daughtry in Uganda.

2 1/2 years ago, Chris Daughtry was an unknown working in a car dealership. Now he's the lead of the biggest-selling band of last year and is being intro'ed by Brad friggin' Pitt. THIS is why I love American Idol. Daughtry recorded a music video to "What About Now?" in the same style as last year's "I'll Stand By You" video which Carrie Underwood did. As with all of the celebrity performances featured on the special, you can purchase the audio and/or video and the money will be donated to IGB.

Diva extrordinaire Mariah Carey takes the stage to sing "Fly Like a Bird" with Randy Jackson on bass. She's got a wind machine and a choir, but is dressed in a simple tank and jeans (although her boobs look spectacular!) Mariah hits notes that only Mariah can hit, bit it's otherwise a pretty underwhelming performance.

And finally, the top 8 is back to perform "Shout the the Lord" in all-white, with the choir and SYTYCD dancers behind them. (Why oh why must they ALWAYS put Cook and Cook next to each other? WHY!?!?) I didn't like it that they chose to do a worship song, but after last week's episode of Idol Goes to Church I felt we got off easy. Confetti flies, they do the Idol side-step and we're done.

...Not quite. Ben Stiller runs onto the empty stage back at the studio looking for some confetti action. Sigh.

I watched my local news to see Teri interview the top 8 about their experience with IGB. Archie took a pledge for $3 and when asked what his experience with the celebrities was like, He-Cook replied, "they were all very down-to-earth...for the most part." (Any guesses as to who he was referencing? *Mariah:cough:Mariah*)

Here's what was cut from the show:

- Videos from presidential canidates Obama, Hillary and McCain. Apparently the quality of McCain's video was poor and Nigel apologized before showing it at the ticketed event on Sunday.

- John Legend's performance of "Show Me."

-Dolly Parton's video package.

- A performance by Maroon 5. At least there's a ton of pictures of Adam Levine singing amongst the event pictures (maybe it will air at a later date?)

And finally, I'd like to offer up a few of my own suggestions to those who would like to help make the world a better place:

-Visit www.freerice.com regularly. You can generate donations of free rice to starving children in minutes a day with just a few clicks of your mouse.

-Consider going vegetarian (or at least giving it a try). Not only will it benefit your health and the envioronment but it's a step against ending world hunger and vegetarians save the lives of more than 100 animals per year. Hannah and I made the switch a few months ago and I can't tell you how easy and rewarding it's been. Visit www.goveg.com for more information, or send me an e-mail.

-And lastly, whenever donating to a charity please take a moment to make sure it does not fund or support animal testing, as you'd be surprised at how many do. I don't think any of the IGB programs are culprits, but major organizations like The March of Dimes and the American Cancer Society are. Please don't allow your charitible dollars to inadvertantly contribute to the cruelty of animals, for tests which only prove to be inconclusive. PETA offers a great, free pocket-sized list of charities that do and do not support animal testing for easy reference (also viewable at www.peta.org).

Inspiring the Uninspired

Ahh...inspiration. The word translates thusly: "A prompting, esp. to creative action, that arises within the mind; an illumination; breathing." I took the liberty of checking, and all eight finalists are indeed breathing (D-Cook got mouth-to-mouth), although most are still weary of the whole moving while singing thing.

A quick glance around the house reveals the following: Lacey Schwimmer! Sinbad! Will sans Grace! Taylor Swift! Luke Menard! Amy Davis! Yep, no one too high up on the celebrity food chain.

Here are my performance reviews in order of appearance:

Michael "Livin' the Dream" Johns

"Dream On" by Aerosmith

Performance Review: Michael again dons a neckerchief (who does he think he is, Hef?), parks it in front of the mic stand and sings a rock song. I was totally diggin' it (me hearts Aerosmith) until the end when a group of angry feral cats jumped out of his throat (otherwise known as "the high note"). MJ doomed himself by wearing the unlucky black vest instead of the lucky grey one (for more on this, check out The Brotherhood of the Traveling Idol Vest).

What this performance inspired me to do: Head bang a little...then shriek in terror along with the cats.

Syesha "Don't Stop Believin'" Mercado

"I Believe" by Fantasia

Interview: We get a Rami update. Because no one particularly cares to learn more about Syesha. (Sorry Sistah, I tell it like it is).

Performance Review: Our resident wannabe-diva decides to follow in the misguided footsteps of Miss LaKisha Jones and sing Fantasia's coronation song, which is wrong on so many levels. As I have mentioned previously, I am not a fan of Fantasia, however the emotional connection she has with that song cannot be beat. Syesha's vocal was not bad (with the exception of forced runs and an iffy high note), however she should be eliminated purely on principle.

What this performance inspired me to do: Shake my head in frustration, and briefly ponder if Syesha has sticks for brains.

Jason "Dreams Come True" Castro

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (the Hawaiian dude version)

Performance Review: Jason is now not only the first contestant to perform with an instrument, but the first to bust out a friggin' ukulele. I get what he was trying to do and think he sang it well, but the whole thing came off as a bit fruit loopy for me (the lame screensaver didn't help). I refuse to compare this to Katharine's shining moment in season 5, because it's just not comparable. And I think the extra heaping of praise from Jackson was an attempt to keep the Dreadheads from rioting after his shocking comment on Larry King (he said he wouldn't sign Jason but would sign KLC!).

What this performance inspired me to do: Crave something more manly (and a bigger instrument). *wink*

Kristy "Do it Anyway" Lee Cook

"Anyway" by Martina McBride

Performance Review: The Queen of the Sparkly Tank Tops took on a song by one of country music's best. Aside from some pitch problems this was easily her best performance. But I still didn't enjoy it.

What this performance inspired me to do: Scowl. A lot. And check to make sure my socks were still on. Yep.

David "We Are All Innocent" Cook

"Innocent" by Our Lady Peace

Performance Review: Even before learning this was the song he'd selected to sing (back when I was compiling my list of song suggestions) I decided Simon would call it "self-indulgent" (which is one of the reasons why I didn't suggest it). But David decided to cut the first verse ("Oh Johnny wishes he was famous/Spends his time alone in the basement") and so Simon instead went with the word "pompous." Definitely not his best, but I expect that the full-length studio recording will be a million times better.

What this performance inspired me to do: Vote like hell to try and keep him b-3 free. And swoon a little.

Carly "Life Must Go On" Smithson

"Show Must Go On" by Queen

Performance Review: This was pitchy and uneven. I loves me some Queen, and she butchered it. Looks like Carly borrowed one of Freddie's leotards. And Cleopatra's jewelry. Not an improvement, Simon.

What this performance inspired me to do: Have Gina Glocksen flashbacks. "Edgy" rocker chick who REALLY REALLY wanted it but was eliminated around this time last year...

David "Light at the End of the Tunnel" Archuleta

"Angels" by Robbie Williams

Interview: Archie practices early in the morning and late at night. Sorry neighbors!

Performance Review: He sang about old people again. What's up with that? This was mushy gaspy goodness, but still not my cup 'o tea (after all, sleepingbeauty lives on The Dark Side).

What this performance inspired me to do: Contemplate the possibility that David Archuleta is actually a 76-year old man trapped in a 17-year old's body.

Brooke "Feel Good" White

"You've Got a Friend" by Carole King

Performance Review: Girl looked good, but I think she's trying too hard. It's obvious that she belonged behind the piano but didn't want to be pigeonholed, and that she made an effort not to dance again. The song was sleepy and a wee bit depressing for those of us who do not have friends who can and will drop everything to come running.

What this performance inspired me to do: Yawn. And cringe a little.

* * *

B-3 Prediction: Syesha, Carly, and Johns, with the wannabe diva getting the axe.

Idol Gives Back ~ Spoilers

This season's Idol Gives Back extravaganza was pre-taped at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood on Sunday April 6th. It won't air until Wednesday, so here are the spoilers for those who are interested:

IBG Recap (PopWatch)

IGB Article (TVSquad)

IGB Photos (Getty Images)

As for the inspirational songs the top 8 will be performing live on tonights show, I only have one spoiler so far and I'll post it in the comments section.

Inspirational Song Suggestions

Next week the top 8 will sing Inspirational Songs as part of the Idol Gives Back extravaganza. Performances will air live on Tues, pre-taped footage of the charity stuff will air Wed, and someone will go home live on Thurs.

Here are my song suggestions:

Carly: "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan - I'm not convinced she could do it justice, but she's the only remaining girl who stands a chance to. It might be interesting to see MJ or DC give it a shot though... As for why this song qualifies as "inspirational" I don't know, but I did find it on an Inspirational Song CD last year when looking for suggestions, and it's one of my fave songs so I will suggest it every chance I get.

Kristy: Any chance she won't do "Amazing Grace"? How about some "God Bless the Broken Road" or "I Hope You Dance" instead. Either way, her time is up.

Brooke: I say she do "I'll Stand By You" with the piano, although she won't be able to escape the Carrie comparisons. A fitting but less challenging and dynamic song choice for her would be "Hands" by Jewel.

Syesha: Normally I don't like to suggest diva songs but anything's preferable to Whitney at this point so it's "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera for her.

Archie: "You Raise Me Up" is an obvious choice, but I've also seen him do a killer version of Vanessa Carleton's "1000 Miles" with the piano.

Michael: Elvis' "If I Can Dream" or Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'"

Jason: "Stand by Me" by Ben E. King or "Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys

D-Cook: My most favorite song of all time... "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls. It didn't spring to mind as being inspirational but I've seen a lot of other people suggesting it so why not.

I would also be down to hear pretty much any U2 by the guys but am told that getting the rights is an issue even with Bono being part of IGB.

And just for fun, let's see what TMZ is cheekily suggesting the top 8 sing:

David Archuleta: "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna

Kristy Lee Cook: "Don't Speak" by No Doubt

Michael Johns: "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" by Rolf Harris

Brooke White: "Crybaby" by Mariah Carey

David Cook: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

Jason Castro: "I Am Not My Hair" by India.Arie

Carly Smithson: "I've Got You Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra

Syesha Mercado: "Don't Forget About Us" by Mariah Carey